I am taking a break from my homework. Don’t get me wrong, I love estate planning, but a girl’s got her limits. Today was a gorgeous day, and tonight is a beautiful night. It’s a springtime cool that feels decadent after the rainy days we have seen. In fact , it is so nice that tonight I am blogging from my front porch. I had the door open but the house still felt too hot. So, barefoot I went onto the porch. The concrete and brick feel wonderfully cool after the stifling house.
I have my iTunes on and I have some Lena Horne playing. They don’t make music like hers anymore. Sweet, soft, and beautifully simple. Just like this spring night. No warm breezes are needed, it is just perfect as it is. The keyboard only illuminated by the screen of my laptop, and the streetlight shines a soft gold. From my view, it’s a moonless night. The sky only has a few stars that glimmer if you look closely. The sky is a deep midnight blue purple. It looks like a velvet blanket has been draped over the sky. It’s a night perfect for quiet contemplation.
Am I contemplating? Sure. Tonight I am looking at tomorrow and the weeks ahead. There is so much to do, and time seems to be dwindling quickly. I need to spend all day Monday on campus. I haven’t broke that news to Mom yet. There is not much I can do about it though. Sometimes I feel chained to school. Like I am never really ever going to be done, like I will never quite shake it. I love school, but I know that too much of anything is not good. I am sure I just need a short break. Come fall I will be ready again for the challenge.
I think too, I am wondering at how much more I will have to give up in order to have the kind of education that I want. There are places I want to go and see. That takes money, money that I won’t have if I spend it on school. I want to go and do while I still kind of young, before I am too set in my ways to not be able to be influenced by the things I have seen.
Some days I feel like such a small town girl, and yet, that just doesn’t jive with who I want to be, that person that is the “real” me on the inside. I think then the question is who do I want to be? Do I want to be well educated and travel when I am older, or travel now, sooner than later, and then go back to school, wiser and more worldly? I don’t have that answer. I want to be the best me that I can be. I just wish that map were clearer.
I am sure it goes back to having faith. I know, I know, give it up to God. I will. Promise. Just…not yet. I think this is something I need to hold onto for a bit. God will show me the direction, but ultimately, putting one foot in front of the other, well, that is up to me.