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Honestly that was my goal for going into Wal-Mart. Small, simple, quick and easy, right? I don’t think so. I was actually kind of excited about getting some new body wash. The kind I have now is by St. Ives. It’s really quite lovely. Its called Soy Milk and Lotus Blossom. Now I have never actually whiffed soy milk or lotus blossoms, but St. Ives knew what they were doing when they brought these two scents together. The result was a clean, soft, silky fragrance that left you smelling good, not smelling like body wash.

I have been using that scent for awhile, but today I was feeling the change in the air that comes with spring. I was in the mood for something different. So, I start sniffing out the the other soaps. Now as you may or may not have read in previous columns, I have a sensitive sniffer, so I proceed with caution. First up, I head to the St. Ives. Oooh! Energizing Citrus! That could be good right? Open, sniff sniff, gag, gag, I have barfed oranges that smelled better than that. That was just pungent. Bleh. Ok, on to the next one.  I check out the Tone Exotic Infusions. Hmm, I could be exotically infused that might be ok. Sniff sniff, ugh, not ok. That smells like Juicy-Fruit. Why do I need to smell like gum? I don’t. For the life of me I will never be able to figure out why these manufacturers think I want to smell like food. I don’t. I don’t want to smell like  berries, someone’s dessert, cucumbers or other random fruit and vegetables.

I check out Dial’s version of Tahiti, with their scent Tahitan Vanilla and Orchid. Sniff sniff, whew! JuicyFruit and sugar cookies, on steroids. Man that is way too sweet! I have eaten cake with less sugar than that. I check out Olay to see what they have to offer. Hmm Ultra Moisture with Shea Butter. Ok, sniff, sniff. Not too bad. I check the price. Five bucks? For soap? Mmm, lets move on. Oh look there is the “Equate” version next to it. Sniff, sniff, oh yeah that smells just like the Olay. Well, like the Olay plus butt.  I am not a fan of wearing a butt flavored scent. Next! I head back to the St. Ives. Whipped Silk. Hmm, interesting. Sniff, sniff. Nothing do I smell. Odd. Sniff, sniff. Nothing. I start to worry. Oh my Lord, has that Tahitian stuff and the ass in a bottle clogged up my nostrils so that I can’t smell anything? I squeeze the bottle a few times, trying really hard to squeeze too hard. I don’t want this stuff up my nose after all. Still nothing. A bit concerned, I reach for the Energizing Citrus. Sniff sniff. Whoa! No, its not my  nose, the Whipped Silk just has minimal scent. Finally as a last ditch effort I look to Caress. They used to have some nice scents. They have their own version of Tahiti too. Tahitian Renewal. Sniff,sniff. Hmm, not as bad as the others, but not great. Still too sweet. I pulled the Daily Silk scent off the shelf. I cracked it open, sniff, sniff. Not bad. Soft, gentle, not too perfumy, not too sweet, a clean sort of scent. Three bucks? Sold!

Now on to the shampoo. While exiting the soap aisle I take in a few deep breaths. Ahh, nothing like the cardboard and dust scented smell of a warehouse  Wal-Mart to cleanse the nasal palate. I check out the shampoo aisle to find out that I must be the only woman who does not have issues with her hair. Seriously. I don’t need to be deeply cleansed or hydrated. I don’t have colored hair – not yet. My hair is not permed or processed. That alone clears out three quarters of the entire shampoo aisle. I look to see what’s left. Shampoo for straight hair, I don’t have straight hair. Shampoo for frizzy curly hair, that’s not me either. My hair is wavy. I look further on. There is TresEmme. The thing there is that bottle is HUGE. It would never fit in my shower thingy. I roll on down the aisle to the Clairol Herbal Essences. I look up and there is a bottle called “Long Term Relationship”. Excuse me? I am looking for shampoo, not a relationship. Apparently its for long hair, yeah that’s not me either. I wonder if they have a Totally Clean and Uncommited? That would suit. Clean is good and I can’t promise I will buy it again.

I look more, they have Drama Clean. Yeah uh huh. No thanks. I don’t need that staring at me in the shower every morning. I look again. This time I see “None of your Frizzness”.  Are they serious here? Really? Pass. I then spot “No Flakin Way”. Apparently that is for those of you with dandruff issues. That’s not me. I sigh. I turn around there is Pantene. Now I tried that stuff years ago and it made my hair shiny yeah, but it also looked like a grease mop. That’s not a look I love. They have this stuff for shiny hair. I take a whiff. Gag. Yeah, no. That smell plus hot water will not be inspiring me to hop in the shower, even as much as I adore a good shower. Back to the TresEmme. Hmm. I they have  kind for wavy hair. Well at least they got the hair type right. I pick the bottle up and send up a teeny prayer that this won’t smell like buttcheese. Sniff, sniff, not to bad. Sold! Wahoo!! Thirty minutes and some soap and shampoo later I take my purchases and tired nose to the cashier. As I step out of the door and into the sunshine, I send up a thanks to the Big Guy. My nose has a reprieve. I take in a deep breath. Well, for awhile anyway.