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I will be honest; tonight I am not sure what to say. I feel like there are no words in me. That is not a feeling I generally come across on a day to day basis. This day seems to be an exception. The only thing that seems to be on my mind is school.

I have an assignment that I have to do.  I have to write my own will. I really do like estate planning. I just never assumed I would be planning my own quite so…soon. I think the part that I hate the most is that it is so impersonal. Facts, figures, it says nothing of what I would really want to say to those I have left behind. It won’t explain why I want my best friend to have my favorite ring, or why I want to leave money to my estranged brother. That is the hard thing for me.

The worst part about it is all that has to be done, all that is left behind. I have decided that I will have an attorney be my executor. I can’t saddle a family member with that.  I know from experience that dealing with grief is hard enough, but to have to deal with assets and taxes and all that too, it’s just not fair. I love my family more than that, and that is what attorneys get paid to do. It’s a win-win situation.

I remember when Dad died, it seemed like the paperwork was never ending. Mom and I struggled enough with the fact that he was gone, let alone making sure his accounts and taxes were in order.

Death is a deeply emotional issue. I am not afraid of it, just the opposite. I think for me it will be like a big homecoming. Dad and my grandparents will be there. Finally I will get to ask God a few questions that I have always wondered about. Things like, why did my dad have to be abused only to then turn around and do the same things to us? I would ask why war is necessary. I would ask why is it that children wind up dying as a result of adult actions. I would ask why parents have to suffer over missing children and never being able to see them again and not be able to have the chance to have closure.

I would ask why He granted some folks with common sense, but then left others without. I would ask why he let people who were drunk out of their mind, drive. I would ask why helpless elderly people in nursing homes have to suffer abuse.

Before I asked a single question though, I would thank Him. I would thank Him for all the wonderful things that I had experienced in my life. I would say thank you for giving my parents. My father who taught me what it meant to be a good friend, and my mom who taught me unconditional love. I would thank Him for giving me friends in my life who accepted me for me, who knew my faults and loved me in spite of them.

I would thank Him for letting me experience all the emotions that life has to offer, and for letting me live my life to the fullest. I would thank Him for holding me up when I didn’t have the strength to carry on. I would thank Him for taking the weight of worry off my shoulders, and for not leaving me confused. I would thank him for being my rock, and my ultimate confidant.

I would thank Him for allowing me to see the beauty in life. I would say thank you for allowing me to be able to appreciate the little things in life. From walking barefoot in the grass to seeing my family and friends smile, I have learned it is the little things in life that make the big bad moments bearable.

Mostly I would thank Him for loving me, listening to me, and answering my prayers. I have been truly blessed to have soo many prayers answered. I feel like in the normal course of my day I have prayers continuously answered. For that, I am eternally grateful.

 

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