When death meets the living

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contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, death, family, friends, husband, life, living, love, wife

Today my Mom came home for lunch and told me that the husband of a long time family friend had passed away.

This man was a great man. He took care of his wife like no other man I have ever seen. He curled her hair in those back places that are hard to get to. She loved false eyelashes but had trouble putting them on, so he did it for her. He supported her through long illnesses and loved her.

Last night he went to sleep and did not wake up this morning. I cannot imagine the grief she is having. To know that the man she loved, who loved her, died beside her and was not awake to save him. That grief must be immeasurable. To know that the man who stood beside you in life, died beside you while you slept has got to be one of the most heart wrenching feelings in the world.

Times like these I think about my own life and relationships. I think about what I would do in her shoes. Part of me thinks its better to just love, because even when you have the hurt, at least you had the love too. The other part, the stronger part says “that is the reason why you don’t let people in at all”.

I have worked really hard at being strong and at being independent. I give advice more than I ever seek it out. I just dont show that side of me, even to the ones who love me and that I love. My fear is that if I make myself vulerable to them and they leave -for whatever reason- then what? I have become dependent on them and in turn, will be lost when they are gone. I have lost enough people who are special to me in this life to know that that pain is not a pain I want to soon revisit.

 There is a saying, when the heart is open to give it is open to receive. If you are willing to be there for people, your heart is bound to open to them, and when it does you are bound at some point to care about them. You cant help but love them.

So where is the balance? Is there a balance? Can you love without being hurt? Can you open yourself up and still be protected? Or is it better to stay closed and not love at all?

I am also curious about that protection. At what price does it come? Can you love fully while holding back? Is that an honest sort of love?

I don’t have any of these answers. I think that no matter the pain that you feel when those you love aren’t with you, it is the love that you know you have for them that sees you through.

My friend will hurt today and for a long time. She will feel excruciating pain and guilt. But she will have something else. She will know that she was loved, totally, wholly, and unconditionally. While that may be hard to see for a long time, she will come back to that. She will come back to see how much she was truly loved. Love won’t bring him back, but the memory will see her through.

Mornin’ Sunshine

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battle, beauty, blue skies, car, death, fight, fire, fire light, flag, freedom, life, morning, radio, reflection, skies, song, star spangled banner, sunshine

This morning I was up early. I saw the sunrise. It was great. Mom wanted me to stop at a bakery out of town and get some donuts for the ladies she works with. This bakery opens at 6 and you don’t want to get there after 7.  I headed out a little after 6. I took the longer way out of town and as I hit the highway ,I turned the radio on. It took me a minute to recognize the song. It was the “Star Spangled Banner”. I could not remember the last time I heard that  song on the radio.

I had the sunroof open and the windows down, so I turned the radio up and sang – which for me is a feat only to be accomplished in the solitude of my car. I would not want to be responsible for the ear drums of others. In case you have forgotten the lyrics of that first verse here they are:

Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,
O’er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

I thought about that song. I thought how it was a shame it had been so long since I had heard that song outside of the fourth of July and baseball games. I wondered how many people only associate this song with those events, and resist the urge to shout “Play ball!” at the end of the last line.

I remember singing this song in school, and reading the story behind it. My favorite line is  “gave proof through the night that our flag was still there”. What a testament to strength and endurance. Imagine you are in a battle, and when things look bleak, to look up and in midst of battle and death, you get a glimpse of the flag that represents everything you fight for in the fire light. What a moment that must have been.

As I rounded the bend, I saw the sun. It was magnificent in its glory. I was blinded momentarily and when my eyes came to, I saw the amazing colors. The blue sky that was to foreshadow the rest of the day, pinks, lavendars, and the most amazing yellow. The sun was rising over a small lake and so I caught a glimpse of this wonderous sight, not once, but twice in the reflection on the water. It was enough to take your breath away. In that one instant I felt so blessed. To live in this country, to have the vision to see its wonders, and to be able to bask in the beauty of it all.

Personal Demons

Tags

Angel, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, demon, demons, life, personal, Sarah Maclachlan, thoughts, time

Everyone has their own demons. I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t. No matter how put together someone is, with the right words, they can lose it at the drop of a hat. They haunt us, never really going away, only lurking to come out at the worst possible time.

I have been lucky I have banished most of my demons. Either with time or a lot of realization they have moved on. Only one still lingers and it is by far the hardest one. I feel like this last one is a hybrid of a couple that I used to have, and they just morhped into this dark beast that has no remorse at cutting my heart out.

Time heals a lot of wounds. It puts distance in between you and the horrific events that have altered your life. The demons though, at least some of them, aren’t fazed by time. They grow steadily accumulating any little detail of your life necessary to their growth, until before you know it that nagging voice has become a beast you aren’t sure you can control.

This song reminds me of the demons that haunt and even in the darkest of those times that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that there is comfort still left in the world.

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there’s always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh a beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe
in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Some days, it’s the little things.

Tags

bed, breeze, dog, dogs, fan, flower, grandma, grass, honeysuckle, lab, labrador, leash, life, little, little moments, little things, lotion, moments, night, random, routine, sheets, terrier, walk, walking, wind

I firmly believe that somedays it’s the little things that get us through. For the past month or so, it has been that way with me. I will say this, the last few days I have been relishing in the little things. Last night I had the most awesome moment. I was settling in to my nightly routine of getting ready for bed. I had gotten my water, the phone was on the charge, I had brushed my hair and put it up. I only needed to lift up the top sheet and let the cool air from the fan cool the bed a bit, and to put on some lotion. As I lifted the sheet in the air to flip it, the fan hit the sheet. At this same time I happened to take in a deep breath, and I got the loveliest whiff of my favorite lotion. I had been wearing it to bed all week. I didn’t realise that the scent of my lotion had come off on the sheet. It is this amazing scent called Wild Honeysuckle. It reminds me of when I was little and I was at my grandma’s house. She had honeysuckle that grew wild on her fence. For some reason just that quick smell of honeysuckle just really put me at ease and made me smile. To know that I was going to hunker down and sleep in honeysuckle that night was a good feeling.

Today I went over to my aunt’s house. She is dog sitting. I went over there for about an hour today. I took the puppy for a walk. She is a lab/terrier mix – she is way more lab than terrier though. She strained her leash at first, but when she got the idea I wasn’t going to let her run all willy nilly, she settled down. By the time we got back home, some cool water was needed for the both of us. I let her drink and cool down. Then we went out back to play for  bit. I threw her rings around and she brought them back to me for me to toss again. After a bit, we sat in the shade and just relaxed and listened to the world around us. It was a really wonderful moment and I wanted to stay in it for forever. The sky was blue, there was small breeze, and it was just nice out. The birds were singing and Kylie was panting. 

At one point she must have had an itch because she got up and went to roll around in the grass. It was so funny to see her squirm like that, you couldn’t help but laugh. Once she was finished, she was covered in loose grass. For the next ten minutes or so I brushed the grass off of her. She was very impatient with me as I tried to groom her a bit. She just wanted to lick me all over. Just what I wanted a bath in doggy spit! 🙂 It made me miss having dogs. They are a lot of fun – a lot to take care of – but a lot of fun.

Now I have some things to do around the house. While I busy myself with those tasks, I will look forward to the next “little moment”.

Happy Fourth of July

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9/11, air force, army, bbq, brother, Dad, daughter, family, fireworks, fourth of july, freedom, independence, life, marines, Mom, navy, remember, September 11, sister, soldier, soldiers, son, terror, thank you, war

Happy Fourth of July WordPress World!

 For many today will be a day of spending time with family and friends, eating bbq, and watching fireworks.  For me today is a day of remembrance.  Today I will remember the reason why we celebrate the day. Our independence. Our independence would not have been possible without the bravery of our soldiers. In 1776 we had a rag tag militia, now we have highly trained men and women who serve our country.

I would like to say thank you. Thank you to those men and women who every single day fight for people that they will never meet. They fight for people who don’t agree what they do. They fight so that we will not again know the terror we felt after September 11.  Our soldiers fight in other countries so that the children in those countries don’t have to go to bed scared. In this country, we have no clue what real terror is. We can walk out of our front door, bash our president, drive across the country and unless we get caught speeding we don’t generally have to worry about being stopped by the police. We have a freedom that a lot of people only dream about. We have that, thanks to our soldiers.

This freedom comes at a cost. It costs us the lives of our soldiers. They are our sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, fathers, and mothers. They are dads who don’t get to come home at Christmas, they are moms who cant be there for birthdays. It also costs the lives of those who love them back home. It costs the wives who go to bed each night praying that tomorrow they will hear from their husband and trying desperately hard to remember that no news is good news.  It costs the children who don’t get to have mom there when they play the swan in Swan Lake, or kick the winning goal in soccer.

And yet, even after all that cost, so many of them would go back. They would again fight for not just this country, but for the men and women who never got to make it home. For them its not about the living, its about honoring the dead. How can they not fight for their fallen brother? The man who gave his life while fighting to protect the man next to him.

I never want to forget the soldiers who have gave everything so that I could be free. I don’t want to forget the soldiers who were taken as a POW, or those who are MIA. I never want to forget the families of the soldiers. My heart goes out to them.

Today, while you are celebrating, please, remember these men and women. So many of them do what they do, and never hear a thank you. Some of them don’t do it to hear a thank you. They will tell you “its their job”. I firmly believe it while it may be their job to protect me, its my job to not let them feel forgotten.

To all my soldiers, known and unknown to me, thank you.

Zoo Photoblogging

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bears, elephants, grizzly bear, hyena, photo, Photo blogging, zoo

Here are some zoo photos. It was a hot day, so a lot of animals weren’t out. Here are a few of my favorites.

Bridge at the zoo