I think I have quite possibly taken a new step in my spirituality. Years ago when I attended temple, I bought a chai necklace. Chai is life in Hebrew. This past March, I rediscovered this necklace and I put it on. I didn’t take it off for six months. I held it when I prayed or when I was worried. It was a comfort to me. Then one day about two weeks ago, I was sitting here at my laptop and I realized it was gone. I have looked all over for it. I know it has to be somewhere here in the house, but where I have yet to discover.
I was incredibly upset. It wasn’t that I viewed it as a talisman against bad or the keeper of life, it was just a symbol of a connection I felt I had with God. Taking it away, logically, I know won’t minimize that, but to not have it, to not feel it, was disconcerting.
Then I had “life” happen and I needed my necklace. I needed to pray, I needed something to hold to give me strength. But what could that be? I opened my jewelry box and there was the cross necklace my aunt had given me in March. I took a long deep breath, knowing and feeling all of my struggles with this idea of the cross.
I recalled something that I had read that stated in accepting the Trinity you accept the father, the son, and the holy spirit. By not accepting one or the other, you are not accepting God. That hit home for me. Not accept God? I could never not accept God. He has been my rock.
Looking at that necklace, I knew the times I was about to face. I needed a rock, and three is better than one. I put the necklace on. I felt in a way I was letting in something I had long shut out. I haven’t taken the necklace off. It did prove to be a source of great comfort, and I like how it seems to absorb the heat of my body so that when I pick it up, it’s always warm.
So what does it all mean? I am not sure just yet. The morning after I put the necklace on I went into the kitchen and Mom said (rather in a snotty way, I thought) “I didn’t think you believed in Jesus”? I told her, sometimes there are times when you have to believe in everything to keep faith. That night before, I needed everything. She didn’t know what had gone on that night, and I have never told her in full detail. Some things are better kept to oneself.
So am I all-embracing Christianity now? Yowza. That is a big question and one to which I do not have an answer. If I had to lean one way or another, no. I am not all-embracing it, but I am going to explore it more. I will take some baby steps and see how I feel. This spiritual journey will not be like my previous one when I was baptized at 9 and thought I knew what I was doing. This will be much more different, and much more meaningful.