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I hate going to bed sometimes. I have insomnia so it’s not always a fun place. I do have my nighttime routine that I do, and that helps to wind me down. Other nights though, are worse, much worse. Last night for instance, was a bad night.

I go through periods where I don’t dream, I either have nightmares or I don’t dream at all. That is the phase I am in now. I had one a few weeks ago that made me not want to go back to bed. I was scared to go to sleep. Last night was worse. I tossed and turned for the longest time and was in and out of bed.

I finally got to sleep only to have a nightmare. I don’t want to say what happened in the dream as I don’t care to relive it. It was awful. Totally horrific. I sat up in bed and I was frozen. I finally moved from the bed and came into the office, where what happened in the dream – the reality of it – hit me. I started to cry. I cried for a while. Then I got up, I thought about trying to go back to bed, but I knew I couldn’t. It just wasn’t safe.  I didn’t even want to set foot in that room, let alone go back to sleep in that bed.

I went into the living room and covered up with a blanket and turned on the tv. At about 8 am I went back to the bedroom. The room was light now, any trace of the demon that was this nightmare was gone. I laid in bed and I closed my eyes.  I then realized that I was just putting myself back at risk for another nightmare and I opened my eyes. Suddenly I was back in that nightmare, seeing it, feeling the sensations of it, knowing the horror of it.  I started to cry again. Somehow I finally got back to sleep and was able to sleep for a bit.

One might ask if there was something in my real life that happened to encourage my subconscious to have this dream. That answer is no.  There wasn’t any thing in real life that triggered the last one either.

And so now,  here I am. It’s almost a quarter to 3 am, and I know I should be going to bed, but I can’t. How can I? The thought of making myself vulnerable is such a way is sickening. To be there, in the dark, lying there, it almost feels like by doing so I am sending out an open invitation for another nightmare.  The thought of having another dream that was that bad, or one that is worse,  is too much.