A Slice of Vulnerable

Tags

Contemplative thoughts, emotions, feelings, heart, honest, honesty, humanity, life, remember, soul, spirit, thoughts, touch, vulnerable

Well, I had a blog prepared, but as I sit down tonight to write, I find that my heart is just not into that topic. Actually, I don’t know exactly where my heart is tonight, but it feels like it is in a rather raw place. I am not sure where this entry will go, but I have a feeling it will be to a very honest and in-the-moment place.

I havent felt like me the last few days. I feel like I am going through the motions, but I feel like that if people were to look at me – really look at me, they would see I don’t give a rat’s butt. I am trying. I feel like it is just taking me longer to get there.

I feel exhausted even though sleep has not been elusive for two nights now. Tonight when I came in from work, I was spent. All I wanted was to come home and hear someone say that everything is going to be ok, to just crash and burn into everything that is familiar. Did that happen? Not so much.

I just need to get through the week. Tomorrow is Thursday, after that its Friday and the end. Then I will have Saturday alone. Precious solitude.

I know I am strong, but I am not strong everyday. Ha, not hardly. I just have to remember there are times I have been weaker than this, and if I can wade through that murky mire, then this is a piece of cake.

Right now I am feeling on the vulnerable side and I want to hold a sign that says “Fragile soul, handle with care.” If I could have one thing in this world in this minute, it would be a hug. The human touch is such a simple and powerful thing. A hug, a touch on the face, a hand on the shoulder, all of those things are simple, but when done with sincerity they represent the best of what humanity has to offer.  A genuine touch is warm, caring, empathetic, and has the ability to allow one person to, without words, bond with another on the most basic and intimate level.

Tonight, I just want to be touched.

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Trying to Make Lemons into Lemonade, and just getting lemon pee.

Tags

50 cent, Baby Got Back, bills, car, Enrique Iglesias, fiddy, frost, full-time, hair, job, lemonade, lemons, life, pay check, payday, pee, scrape, Shakira, Sir Mix a Lot, sugar

Yes, that is right, lemon pee. I thought when you squeezed the lemons you got lemonade. Nope. I was wrong. For lemonade you must have sugar, and there has been no sugar in my day.  It started out fairly normal. I didn’t want to leave my cozy bed and go out into a blustery morning, but I did. Then I looked in the mirror. Bad move. I swear I think I have furry little woodland creatures who come in and attack my head when I sleep. Surley nothing I do in bed (it’s a twin – no acrobatics here) could cause my hair to look like that! Once I brought out the chair and the whip I managed to get it tamed a bit, and I got dressed and went out the door. Once outside, I discovered a frost filled car. My heart sank. I thought it was going to warm up this week!! Aargh! So I haul out the scraper and eek out an area big enough to see to get to work.

On the way there, I managed to pump myself up a bit. I keep telling myself I was an Alpha Female Warrior and I wasnt going to let thousands of poorly scanned in documents ready for indexing get me down! Heck no! I go in, pumped and ready to take a bite out of bates numbers. I discovered when I got there, the system was down. Well tiddlywinks. (Yes tiddlywinks, lets keep it G here!) So I settled in and made myself at home as much as I could until I could work.

This afternoon went by at an absolute snails pace. In fact, I think the snail past me in the first quarter. His grandbabies passed in walkers at 4:00. I was so anxious to leave! I started playing 50 cent and Enrique Iglesias on my iPod to liven things up. I even played “Baby Got Back”. It’s a good thing the bosses didn’t come in to check on our progress, I might have been in the middle of rockin’ it out Shakira style when they came by.

As it turns out being at home isn’t even sweetening the pitcher. I recently found a full-time job (37.5 hours a week) and I was going over my bills and figuring how much I might earn on my next paycheck.  Mom walks in and when I told her what I was doing, I was promptly regaled with “You need to start looking for a full-time job”. According to her a full-time job is 40 hours with benefits. I explained that now is not the best time to look. I have only been at this job 32 days! I need to learn one job before I start looking at others. When I was applying, most positions wanted 1-2 years experience. I know she wants me to get a job with benefits, I do too, but I also need to have some credibility in my field before I start hopping around. At least let me make it to my first evaluation. Then I was promptly deemed in one of “those moods” and she walked out.

God, grant me the serenity……..

My Trebuchet

Tags

believe, Dana Loesch, faith, family, fling, Jesus, job, life, love, Mamalogues, Staind, Trebuchet

Thank you to Dana from Mamalogues for the inspiration for this blog. Dana is one of my favorite writers. I have read her work for a long time now, and on more than one occasion she has made me laugh, cry and think outside of my own little box.  Her latest column, encourages her readers to come up with things they would want to fling, or not, in a trebuchet.

Here is my list:

Things to fling:

Engineering Specifications manuals. I hate you, I loathe you, and I despise you. You make my world a boring and colorless place. You make my neck ache and my eyes go weak.

People who stink at the gym before they start working out.

People who think it’s cool to drive like an idiot when there is ice on the ground. I don’t want to die because you need toilet paper at Wal-Mart.

People who get way too nosey about my business. Despite the internet, Jerry Springer, and reality TV there are still some things that are private.

Things to not fling

My family. Whether we share blood ties or not, I am blessed to have so many people in my life who love me.  I aspire to one day actually deserve them.  I have learned that last names and DNA do not make family, love and trust make family. I could not be the woman I am without my support group.

My job. I was out of work for a long while and I am so glad to have found a job that caters to my love of detail.

My faith. Through all that life has brought me, it is the one thing that has remained constant and unwavering. All I had to do was hang on and pray just a bit harder, and let the one who knows more than me do what He does best.

The only other person on the planet I know who is up at five a.m. and willing to discuss questions like  “If you were alive in Jesus’ day and raised Jewish, would you have broken with your faith to follow His teachings, or would you have seen Him as a sort of cult leader?” Thank you for never making me feel silly, and for always encouraging my sense of curiosity. Your view on life has changed mine and made me a better person for it.

My new cell phone.  I can now text without having to push the same button multiple times.

This  wonderful song that has helped me through rough days: 

also love the shot of the Arch at around the 2:09 minute mark.

Music Blogging: Never Let Go

Tags

broken, Contemplative thoughts, God, Josh Groban, life, music, Music Blogging, Never Let Go, religion, spirituality

Time again for another music blog! I have been wanting to do one of these for the longest, but it was a matter of finding the right song. That was not so easy. I wanted it to reflect the contemplative moods that I have been feeling. This song Never Let Go, by Josh Groban and Deep Forest has always had a special place with me. I first heard it during a very difficult time in my life. I had just ended a relationship, had a close relative pass on, and was in the midst of my first semester back to school. I also was dealing with some serious spiritual questions. I had begun my chats with God during my commute and I found that this song represented in so many ways how I saw Him.  I have posted the lyrics as well as a video.

I can’t understand it.
The search for an answer is met with a darker day.
And we’ve been handed these moments forever.
But I’m reassured there’s another way.
You don’t have to close your eyes.
There is room for love again.
Ease the pain to realize
All that love can be.
Forced apart by time and sand.
Take a step and take my hand.
And don’t let it go.
Never let go.

Broken, once connected,
We were so strong and so blessed in a simple way.
So don’t let me go it alone.
Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below but me.
Face the truth to realize
All that we could be.
Torn apart by rage and fear.
Hold onto what brought you here.
Don’t let it go.
Never let go.

Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below.
Don’t let go.

 

 “I can’t understand it. The search for an answer is met with a darker day” This really hit home with me and my spiritual questions.  I kept searching to find the right way for me and I felt like I only became more lost . All I knew was that I had to keep praying and talking with God.

The next portion of the first verse, I felt, could have been God talking to me, saying I didn’t have to close my eyes, (this was helpful as I was usually driving), and telling me that I had room in my heart for love again. I just had to let the pain that I was going through ease so that I could see all that love could be.  God and I spent some time apart, especially when it came to my issues with Jesus. Now though it felt like God was saying to just take that step toward Him and to take His hand and to never let it go.

“Broken, once connected, we were so strong and blessed in a simple way. So don’t let me go it alone.” I felt like my relationship with God was broken. How could He love me after all I had been, after all I had done? Our relationship had been strong and blessed, but so much had changed. I had changed.  All I knew was I couldn’t go this new life alone, without Him.

The rest of this song just perfectly sums up God’s response to me. All I needed was to turn my head and He was there. There is nothing below but Him and He  is there to catch me if I fall. I needed to face the truth and realize just all of what my relationship with Him could be. He and I were torn by rage and fear, but all I needed to do was to hold on to my orignal faith that brought be back to Him and to not let go – to never let go.

It was such a comfort to feel like He was 100% there for me. He was above and below and all I needed to do was reach out and take His hand and never let go. That was, and is, such a powerful idea to me. I truly thought that after all the mistakes in life that I had made God would not want to love me again, or allow me to be a part of Him again.

 

How wrong I was…. 

New Year’s Resolutions

Tags

declutter, family, life, New Years, New Years resolutions, self, time

This is the time of year when I get asked if I have made any New Year’s Resolutions. My answer is usually no. This year, I have thought about it. While I still don’t really like the idea of them, I do think are some things in my life I would like to change, and so why not now?

The first thing I would like to change is my time and commitment to my family. I should keep in better contact with them and I don’t. I should write more and call more often than what I do.

The second thing is I would like to change how I spend my day. I think I could spend my days in a more productive manner. By this I mean not just making my lists and following through, but to budget my time better with those tasks.

And because all great things come in threes, my third thing is to continue decluttering my life of things I don’t need. I have a lot of stuff. I could do with less stuff. Sometime in this year I would like to move and when I do, I want that process to be as painless as possible. I don’t want to take 30 years of life with me when I go. I am sure just the last 10 would do just fine.

Its Shop N Save, not your bedroom

Tags

bathe, children, clean, clothes, dress, grocery store, obama, pajamas, Shop N Save, shower, smell, society, store

 Seriously, why can’t people leave their pajamas in the bedroom? Or at least their own house? 

I went to the grocery store today to pick up a few items. While I was there, I ran into countless people I knew, and even more folks who looked like they rolled out of bed. I can’t tell you how many parents were there and they were wearing their pajamas and house slippers. They weren’t getting one or two items, they were getting cartloads. I saw more than one set of children in pajama pants, and it was cold! Why are we pairing pajamas with boots? What example does this set? 

Now I am not a really prissy kind of girl. I follow three simple rules. 1. Be clean 2. Smell good. 3. Wear clothes that fit. 

I love to be clean. I don’t and will never understand people who do not bathe. That to me is gross. I have a couple of different body washes that I love. It’s so lovely to step under warm water and smell that wonderful scent all over your skin. Why on earth would someone say, Gee no thanks, I don’t need to be clean? 

I also love to smell good. In fact, I just went out today and bought a new cologne. It is a rather nice one that I can wear to work. It’s not uber special, but it is nice. I love my colognes. I don’t leave the house without one on, and if I don’t have time, I have one in my purse or I throw one in my purse. I also use scented lotions. I come into contact with people, the least I can do is to smell nice. Plus putting on a special scent makes me feel good. For me a scent can alter my mood. I can feel fun and flirty, or sweet, or warm, or sexy or my favorite, that kind of scent you just get a hint of and want to get a bit closer to just smell one more time. 

Wearing clothes that fit is important. Who wants to see a saggy butt? Who wants to see someone wear a shirt that looks like its buttons are potential projectiles? 

I don’t understand why people don’t dress anymore. All I see is ripped sloppiness. Don’t get me wrong, I love my jeans as much as the next girl, but I like to wear boots not tennis shoes all the time. I feel like people don’t take pride in how they look. I like to look polished, not made up, or over dressed, but polished. I like to do the messy wavy –looks like you just had a bit of a romp — hair but it doesn’t look like woodland creatures have been nesting there for a week. There is a difference.  I don’t like to wear a lot of make up, but I like to look like I have defined features. I don’t like to put on the ritz everyday for work, but I do like to wear earrings and a scarf or brooch to go with my necklace. I don’t wear a lot of rings, mainly just one. Sometimes I will wear two. 

Obama talked of change and of changing our country. Maybe we need to change out of our pajamas first?