When times get tough I often say “Give it back to God”. Lately I have been finding that easier said than done.
I know it has been a long time since my last blog but I have been feeling one of two ways: One: I just have nothing to say, and two: there just aren’t words.
I need to find my words. I really love to write and I have this feeling that unless i get back to this, i will lose my voice.
So, what’s been going on you ask? Well, I am working again. I am a litigation specialist. I love it. The organizational end of it appeals to me.
Directionally though, I feel as though I have lost focus a bit. This position is only a temporary one and when it ends, I will again be at loose ends.
Some have been telling me to go back to school. I don’t really know what to make of that idea. I love school. But, ok, so I go back, then what? I put myself more in debt and do not know if the economy will be in such a place that firms will be hiring. Then I will be out of work with a bigger debt. I know education is “good debt”, but if I cant find a job to repay the loan, then what? Then it will swiftly turn into “bad debt”.I just have a lot of thinking to do.
Looking back to a year ago and being where I was then mentally and emotionally, I feel like I have been through an emotional war, replete with the wounds and trauma.
This past week while worrying about these issues. I felt that all too familiar darkness. If you have had this darkness, you know what I mean. I felt the cloud over my head following me around. I fear going back to that place, I really do. I was lost there for so long. I know I am going to have to fight for me. Fight or die as they say. I am not yet willing to die an emotional death.