Well if that is not a loaded question, I don’t know what is. This, however, is the question I am facing. I went to the college today to see about applying for school to get my B.A. I found out that as a part of this process, I have to write a 5-600 word essay on me. The woman said that she wanted to find a little bit more about me.
What do I say? Where do I even start? Hi my name is Onewithbooks and I am finally getting my degree at 30! Mmm. Probably not the best way to start. I thought about looking through my old blogs for inspiration. After I did, I came to one big realization. Those entries aren’t me anymore. They were a year ago, but not now. So, who am I now?
Now I am a woman who is trying to get it all together and keep it there. I am a woman who wants her independence and who is fiercely trying to stay above the water. In a nutshell, I am a survivor.
I was raised to “do it right”. Don’t do drugs; don’t get pregnant before you are married. Heck don’t have sex before you are married. Value others. If you borrow something, return it the same way you received it or better. Don’t take what is not yours. I was also taught that you have to earn your way in life, and that nothing will ever be handed to you. My parents also taught me that no one will ever love me unconditionally the way they do.
For the most part, I followed the rules. I didn’t get pregnant, I didn’t do drugs, except for that once I took some puffs on a pot pipe and was severely not impressed, and the occasional drink. Basically all the same things most young adults go through and even in that, by and large, I stuck to the rules. I went to school, did my best, or tried to anyway. I stuck by my mom when dad got sick. I was there after he passed. I worked full time and went to school. I didn’t rack up thousands and thousands of credit card debt.
Was I perfect? No. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Did I learn from them? Yes, but I am also still learning, because I think as humans we never stop making mistakes.
Along the way, I had life happen. I had to take detours. I couldn’t afford to take out loans and go to school. I had to work for what I wanted. Now at 30 I am only half way there, but with zero school debt, because I did it “right”.
So now starts a new chapter of doing it right, and it’s called getting it done and over with. But a little secret, just between you and me? I am scared. What if I don’t do it right? What if I can’t find a job? What if I am not good enough? Going to school is not foreign to me, I shouldn’t be scared, but I am. I am scared of the debt and of the failure. I worry my best just won’t be good enough and that it will say about me that I am just not good enough. That would be devastating.
Will that happen? It could, it’s not out of the realm of possibility. Will I let it? Not if I can help it.