Out of touch

Tags

blog, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, depression, emotions, family, feelings, friends, God, out of touch, writing

Hello WordPress World!

Tonight’s blog is more than just a blog title for me right now. It’s really just a summation of how I feel and my life right now. I have been out of touch with a lot of things including but not limited to this blog, family and friends. The big question is why? I don’t have that answer.

I wound up getting the job I mentioned in the last blog, woo hoo! Right? Wrong. The lawyer was something else. I was there two weeks and in that two weeks learned there was one computer for both of us to use, the copier got repossessed, and there was a final notice on the electric bill. There were other things too, but that alone was enough to make me say so long.

After I left I felt ok about it. I dodged a bullet. Now I am back out on the  market. I have applied for other jobs, but no luck so far. Fingers crossed.

I also have turned inward these last few weeks, trying to figure out what I want. I think it is really easy to lose a sense of self during this process. I know that seems odd to say, but I guess it’s the whole not seeing the forest through the trees. Mom keeps telling me to cheer up, and I have friends who are wondering why I am not calling.

Deep down I know what this is and I really dont want to admit that it has come back. I find myself doing the little things, clearing off a table, wiping down the sinks, putting in a load of laundry, just to avoid it. You know you are out of touch when you want to avoid yourself.

The scary part is, there are some parts I don’t mind. I don’t mind the quiet and the being alone. I am ok with that. I know it won’t be this way forever, so I guess that is what makes it easier to accept. I just dont know when it will end and I think that is what is worrying everyone else. I want to reassure them, but I don’t know how.  For now, I am just doing what I can to get through the day.

I can tell you one thing that has helped. I have done a lot of praying. That helps. I feel like I can get it all out and be ok for a little while. The world doesn’t seem as dark.

In terms of writing, I felt like I had nothing productive to say. I felt that the thoughts in my mind were nothing that needed to be posted. Then this afternoon, I thought about this blog, and for the first time, I really missed it. Really missed it. I missed posting.

When I logged in and I checked my stats, I was shocked. People were still looking at what I had to say. To all of you who have, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. That meant a lot. I felt like even though I had given up on what I had to say, people were not giving up on reading it. Maybe there was a purpose to making this blog after all.

I wish I could say from now on, a blog a day. I am not going to, that would be a lie. I will though put a post-it up with a picture of those stats as a reminder.

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Is Netspeak the New Contraction?

Tags

accident, accidents, acne, adult acne, blog, blogging, clumsiness, contractions, klutz, life, lmao, lol, netspeak, paint, random, spilling, u, ur

I know, I know. I don’t write, I don’t call. Heck I have even forgotten how to blog. This is all true, mostly. I know it has been an age since I have published. It’s been a crazy few weeks and I haven’t felt like my usual verbose self. The tide however, has now turned and I am getting back into the swing of lifeblogging. I even have an idea for a new type of blog, so look for that in the coming week or so. Man I feel like Santa!  A blog and a promise of something new to come! It’s your lucky day!!

For the record I am feeling a bit out of my wits lately. Nothing horrid has happened – though we still aren’t discussing the paint incident. I just have had a stroke of unfortunate spillings. Seriously, I thought I was supposed to be much older than 30 before this kind of action started taking place. Apparently not. The klutzy phase I missed in HS is now coming on like an ugly case of Adult Onset Acne. Both make you feel 15 years younger than you are – and NOT in a good way. It also makes you not want to leave the house. Good Lord if I can spill this much at home what will I do in a restaurant with a tall glass of ice water just sitting there taunting me?

Life’s little accidents aside though, things are good and I am back to the blogging world. Now, on to “Is NetsSpeak the New Contraction?”

I can remember when I was in school, and I had to write some sort of essay or paper. We were not allowed to use contractions as it was not deemed proper English. As I grew older, the uses of such contractions become less rigid. We had much more freedom over our shouldn’ts and couldn’ts.

Now it seems as though netspeak is the new contraction. U, ur, lol. These are words most people use every day in their texts, emails and chats. They have become symbols of our modern language. They are becoming as universal as yes and no.

At first people looked upon it in abhorrence. I can hear it now “Good Lord can’t people type out Y-O-U?” But, like the contraction, people are relaxing their rules about netspeak. There are differing views on the use of these words. The more traditional view is that our language is going to hell in a hand basket, and that netspeak is an abomination. A more progressive view is that this is the direction in which our language is evolving. They might even argue that netspeak could be considered to grow into a sort of universal language.  Country after country, nation after nation, people can readily identify the meaning behind words such as lol and lmao.

So, where do I stand? While I find lol is very convenient, I rather like typing out y-o-u. I am not wholly comfortable with just a U. It makes me feel stupid actually, as if I have forgotten how to spell versus the idea that I am just saving time by taking out the y and the o. I feel like I am dumbing down my typing. Its not really that much more of an effort to include those extra letters, so  for now I will. One day I may evolve to a place where I use u and ur more frequently, but today is not that day. Today my traditionalist little heart will rebel against modernizing the language that I love –even if I often typo the heck out of it.

Coffeeshop Bloggin’

Tags

bad day, bad days, blog, choice, choose, coffee, coffeeshop, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, cry, dark, darkness, depress, depressed, depression, drive, emotions, experience, experiences, faith, family, feelings, healing, hurt, insomnia, life, light, love, pray, prayer, reality, road, shower, sunshine, thoughts, tomorrow, weep, writing

That’s right ladies and gents; today I am blogging from a favorite coffee shop. This was a total need to leave the house day. It is hotter than a hootie hoo out, but I knew that that could not stop me. I needed to feel the sunshine on my skin.

I hopped in the shower. There was no way I could go out as is. It was super lovely. The body wash scent is growing on me. I don’t think I will buy it again next time, but I still enjoy it. I used some awesome smelling shampoo that brings out the waves in the hair. I knew that there was no way I was spending a ton of time under a hot hair dryer.

The shower was what I needed and after a good lunch, I donned a cute skirt -it’s way too hot for shorts- a tank top with flip flops and put the sunglasses on and headed out. I was right, the sun felt awesome. I rummaged in my handbag until I found my sunscreen and after liberally applying it headed off. I hopped on the highway and put all the windows down and let the sunroof open. I could feel the warm wind and I inhaled the scent of a city summer.  You know the smell, that intoxicating blend of heat, trees, flowers, and asphalt.

Now I am here in the coffee shop, and I do have some legitimate work to do. I wanted first though to write about at least one thought that is going through my mind. Despite my lack of published entries I have been very contemplative lately. I just haven’t published because I can’t yet seem to separate me enough from them to put them into font. For now, I need to hold on to them. I don’t know why. It’s not that I want them per se, but maybe in a small way I fear what will take their place once they are gone.

For now, I will talk about a little bit of what I have been experiencing. I am very reluctant to admit it.  I think by letting go of it sooner, I would have to acknowledge its existence and I was not ready to deal with it. I have since a few days after graduation, been depressed. There it is. I said it. I have been depressed. Wow. I admitted it. There is that word, black and white right there for all to see on the internet.

Depression is an ugly beast. I have been under fogs before, but they were never like this. This is unreal. I have had periods of time spent in the chair in the living room just staring. For hours I would sit, just this way, staring. No motivation, nothing. I hated it, but I could not be motivated to do anything about it.

I wasn’t all like, I want my life to end. I just didn’t know how to begin it I think. For the first time in forever I was faced with a reality of not having a job or school. For the last four years, I have held down both. Now, I have nothing holding me down.

My father was once out of work. His term lasted for three years. I was sunk into depression after three days. Someday it lingers, I won’t lie. I find I still can’t sleep at night. The insomnia the last few days has been monstrous. I lay there, my mind going a million miles a minute. I try to focus and pray and I can, but not for long. I find that sometimes my faith has a hard time holding my focus when it gets really bad.

The good news is – the bad days are fewer. When they are here they don’t linger as long. I am not as incapacitated by the blanket of grey that can ensconce my mind.

I was really hesitant to talk about this. It’s not an easy topic, to either admit, let alone write about and the post for the whole world to see. However, when I started writing, I wanted this blog to reflect me and my take on my life and this world. My life is not all lilies, body wash, and bad drivers.

My life is real. It’s me, it is my thoughts and feelings and experiences. Right now my thoughts are not always positive. Nine times out of ten I can be confident in knowing who I am, and what I feel. Only I can know me. Today is day ten. Today I am not confident. Today I am learning.  Confidence whether real or fleeting is one of the most empowering feelings a human can own. It is however, I find, sometimes difficult to maintain, and some days you just have to fake it until you make it.

On day ten I count the things I have. I think of those who love me. I think of those who have sacrificed for me. I think of those who see me and success as a complete picture. Then I thank God that I have those people. Those are the people who will help hold my hand out of this. Those are the people that will inspire me to realize that I am more than my insecurities – whether real or ballooned out of proportion – by the thoughts in my head.

I love those people. They mean more to me than all of the confident days I have. Even if I can’t look at them and say, I am struggling or I am suffering,  I know that I can and I know that they will be there to listen me.  I am so lucky to have a small army of people behind me to believe in me, even when I have forgotten how to believe in myself.

I know that I may go to bed tonight and I may lay there for hours. I will pray. I may cry. I may weep for those that I love and I who I am helpless to do anything for them. I may weep because I feel the unknown that lies in front of me. In all of the pain and tears there is one thing that I can rest assured in. Tomorrow will come. The sun will stream through my window and a new day will dawn. In that first few minutes of my awakening, I will have a road in front of me.  I will pray as I do every morning, and I will make a choice. I will choose to take the path that leads to well-being. While that path may lead me down a dark alley or two, I know that it is only a matter of time before I walk into the light again.

Talking a walk

Tags

blog, camera, flower, garden, gazebo, lily, park, photo, pics, pool, snapshots, sunken, tiger lily, walk

Welcome to my first photo blog! I went to the park today for a walk and took my camera along with me to get a few snapshots. It was a beautiful day out. There was a bit of a cool breeze and the sun was shining.

Enjoy!

 

 

The gazebo

 

My favorite flower

 

Entrance to the sunken garden

The sunken garden

The old diving board structure in the sunken garden – formerly the first swimming pool

 

Fountain from a distance

 

The fountain and rock formations

The dolphin fountain and covered walk

 

On Writing

Tags

blog, character, characters, creative, front porch, insomnia, iPod, Josh Groban, life, midnight, novel, story, thoughts, woman, writing

It really wasn’t my intention to write a blog tonight. I guess its one of those things in life that just happen. I went out to my car and to get my iPod, and as soon as my bare foot hit the porch and I felt the cool breeze on my arms I was hooked. I had gone out to the car to get my iPod because I find that putting it in before bed can sometimes help me sleep. A little Josh Groban can go a long way on the right night.

I figured tonight would be an insomnia night when I was just a little too wired at midnight. I tried working on my story, and I actually made a little headway. I swear this story is the bane of my creative existence. I can blog all day and night, but this story has taken me more years than I care to admit.

When it started out it was going to be told through the viewpoint of a young woman, and now I find I am more connected to the character of her middle aged landlord. I have never had the best vision for the young woman character. The first seven pages of the book I didn’t even have a name for her, and I cannot even begin to tell you how many names I have gone through for her. Nothing just seemed right. Looking back I guess it’s because I was never really meant to tell her story. I was meant to tell Bella’s. 

I think I may even weed out the young woman character all together. Maybe it Bella’s story as a young woman that I am meant to tell, I hope so. I have always liked Bella. Strong, sassy, independent and loving, she has such warmth about her.  She is to me, a real woman. When I picture her I see a freed spirit. I say freed because she was not always free. She cares for humanity, but keeps her cards close to her. Those who are close she loves fiercely. She has known loss and pain. She doesn’t dwell on those memories though.  She uses it to empathize with others. She will reach her hand out to help, but if she gets intentionally hurt, she remembers it forever.

For her, she has realized that the simplest things make her happy. The sunlight streaming in the kitchen window onto the wooden floors and the way the trees look in the fall showing off their autumnal colors. She takes pride in knowing while the day may not go her way; she tried to make it the best day she could.

Bella is a stunning character in my mind. I can almost feel her vibrancy when I think about her personality. She has a heart and mind that is open and hands willing to help. If I close my eyes I can almost hear her laughter. It would be like her, strong, colorful and resounding.

Front Porch Bloggin’

Tags

blog, breeze, Buble, cat, Etta James, flowers, front porch, laptop, life, Michael Buble, music, Nat King Cole, Otis Redding, paper, porch, presentation, random, spring, sweet, thoughts, trees, Unforgettable

Hello WordPress World!  I am coming to you today from my front porch. I stepped out to check the mail and holy wowza is it gorgeous out here. The sun is shining the birds are singing, and it gave me a need to feel warm concrete on my bare feet. So, here I am.  It’s finally starting to smell like spring. Flowers are blooming, the trees are getting green. I can smell the damp earth and the cool wind. My cat Gracie was even tempted to come out. Right now she is sniffing a bush like she has never seen it before. She is wandering a bit, and now is off to eat some grass that we will find later barfed up in some random part of the house.  Last time it was on Mom’s bed. I swear if that cat ever loses her lunch on my bed, she will never set foot in my room again. Don’t get me wrong I like animals. If they didn’t barf and poop and pee, I would consider owning one. But as that is not going to happen anytime soon, nor shall my pet ownership happen anytime soon.

I have the music going, something soft and soothing. I have to get into the mood to write this paper that is due tonight. I wish I could get into it, but no luck yet. Its on the Family Medical Leave Act. I mean its interesting to me. It’s hard translating that to paper. So I am hoping a little Michael Buble will help get me going. If not, I may have to bring out the big guns, Etta and Otis. I have to have music that will be soft, but leave me inspired. Songs I know the words to that way I am not distracted going “Wha’d they say again”?.  You know, just music to bop the old noggin to. Nothing that brings any particular memories, just something to keep me company. Right now its Michael Buble’s rendition of “Put your head on my shoulder”, one of my favorites by him. That is one of those songs that makes me want to lean my head back and let the breeze blow across my face and sigh. I am always a bit sad when that song comes to an end. It’s so lovely that I really just want it to go on for forever.

Ah and now we have Nat King Cole, Unforgettable. Now that my friends, is a classic. Simple, no frills, just sweet. Not too gushy sweet, just the right amount. I am mean who really would not want to be described as unforgettable? To know that no matter where you you will always be in the transom of someone’s thoughts?  Ok, well so maybe that would not be ideal in every situation. Still its a sweet old thought, isn’t it?