A Quiet Moment and Relaxing Thoughts

Tags

breath, breathing, calm, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, life, moment, rebel, to do list

I have a quiet moment right now. A moment that I am keenly aware may not exist in another moment. For this one moment, I can be at peace and not think about the To Do list looming on the corner of my desk. For this one second I am telling myself I  don’t have to do any of it. I am giving myself permission not to “do”. I can take this one moment just for me and me alone. I am pausing to breathe in and out and to hear my breath centered in my chest. I am focused on the calm that is inside of me. There is no need to be hurried and no thoughts to run away with. Right now, in this moment, I am simply being me.

Every now and again I need to have these calming and soothing thoughts. It relaxes me and it is a bit of a rest in the midst of a hectic day. Plus, it is the little bit of my inner rebel coming out and saying “I am not concerned with the “everything else”, right now it is about me and this one moment”.

In the course of our day, each one of us needs to be our own inner rebel.

Take a moment, right now, just one, and just for you.

Be a rebel.

Back on the porch

Tags

contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, front porch bloggin, life, love, night, porch, relationships, summer

Hello all!

Well it is offically summer in the city and I am back on the front porch, blogging. It feels as though eons have passed since I last blogged from this locale.  It is absolutely gorgeous out here tonight. It is cool and the mosquitos are keeping the humidity company in another town.

So why the porch? Because it is late. Really late, 2:30am late. I didnt want to keep any lights on in the house, so here I am. Plus, I needed some outside time, sitting in a calm and serene place with no distraction. Sometimes, even late at night when everyone is asleep, the house still has too many distractions to write.

I feel like there are about 1,000 thoughts in my head at the moment. One of them is a question I pondered two years ago in this blog. I was in my basement tonight cleaning out an old desk. Apparently in my last clearing out I neglected to get all of the memorabilia from my last relationship out as there was a card still lingering.

Did I read it? Yes. Was that wise? Probably not. I began to ask my self the same question I did two years ago, where did the love go? I am two years removed from that question, and light-years removed from the relationship, and still I can only speculate.

I think the answer is the love didn’t go anywhere. It just changed. It morphed into resentment and eventually anger and loathing. I believe this to be true because as I felt the love get smaller the others grew. Love is energy, it doesn’t die, it just transfers.

Why does it transfer? Because it has to, it’s energy and therefore always changing. Only by taking the time out to cultivate the love in relationships can it be sustained. Stop pulling the weeds of misunderstanding and resentment, and they take over the love, eroding it back into the ground. The fragments are still there, they have just taken on a new form.

To the question, can you get the love back? I don’t believe you can. It would be like resurrecting the dead, and if you have seen Practical Magic, you know that is not a good idea! But on a more serious note, why would you want it back? No matter how great the love was, for whatever reason, it turned sour. Bringing it back won’t cure the sour. It is best to look forward, move forward and let the relationship continue to evolve than to wish it were someplace else.

Just for the record, I am not wistful at the thought of my ex, Heck to the no. I don’t want to even think about that!! YUCK! I just felt like revisiting that question and seeing if my answers were still the same.

All in all I have a pretty good life. It has thrown me for a few loops this past year: a major car accident, a nasty sprain, and that was just from mid March to mid April.  It has left me with a desire to reorganize my priorities a bit.

Normally, I do try to be a “what is” kind of girl versus a “what if” kind of girl. Tonight though, the cool night air has my mind wandering over to the ifs in life.

Eat Pray Love – Part I

Tags

book bloggin', contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, eat, eat pray love, Elizabeth Gilbert, faith, God, love, onewithbooks, pray, religion, spirituality

Well, it’s finally here. Don’t give me that look, you knew this was coming. It was only a matter of time before I blogged about books, this is onewithbooks after all. Music, manners, mystical feelings, those have all been covered, but not books. I have decided to kick off finally getting around to discussing literature by not doing a book review, but a series of blogs on one book. Its go big or go home here! I thought I would chronicle my way through the book Eat Pray Love. I have done this via email with another book, but now I am bringing it to the blog! It will be a journal of emotions, spiritual thoughts, and hopefully, some humor.

If you have not read this book, and don’t want spoilers, stop here. If you have read the book and or are just curious, then sit back, relax and let’s get one with the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

This book is made up of 108 chapters, and a special introduction representing the 109 beads on a japa mala. My first wow moment came in the third chapter. We find that Elizabeth has come to the realization that being married is not going to work for her anymore and she has come to this realization while crying on her bathroom floor. It is in this moment she turns to God. Before she gets into that though, she explains her view on God.

In Chapter 3 I find myself relating to her. She says that the one big rule of Christianity that she can’t swallow is Jesus being the only path to God. Amen sister! Can I get a hallelujah? I am right there with her on that. It just is not logical to me. If God created the world, and He made man, and Jesus is the only one true way to salvation, what happened to the billions of people who died before He was born? That just doesn’t sit right with me. The God I belive in is a benevolent God. I don’t feel like he is going to make someone rot in hell because they call their god Allah. I can’t do that.

She also says that she responds with “breathless excitement” to those who have traveled to the center of their hearts and who return to say that “God is an experience of supreme love”.  I too believe that this is what God is. I believe that He, in part, is the best of humanity, and what in humanity is better than love? It is such an amazing emotion there are hundreds of types of love, from being head over heels in love to the love a mother has for her child. An interesting thought just occurred to me. There are many ways to love, but only one way to hate. Maybe God wanted us to love one another so badly He broadened our view of love to encourage us to not stop, to not limit how we can love.

Another part I really appreciated, still in chapter three, is where she discusses what kind of God she believes in. She tells of having a dog, who was a mutt, and when people would ask what kind of dog he was she would say “A brown dog”. When someone asks her what kind of God she believes in, she says “A magnificent God”.  Bravo. I agree. My answer usually comes in the form of “A benevolent God”.  I choose to believe my God is a god of second chances.

In chapter 4, she tells of her prayer to God for Him to help her to know what to do, she realized she hasn’t ever really spoken to Him before, but hopes He knows how grateful she is for her blessings. This causes her to cry harder.  I know this place. I have been to this place. As she is praying she begins to plead and beg for help in a flood of unending tears. I know this kind of crying. Heck, I blogged about it. It is a sort of raw emotional spiritual battle cry in which your soul is being beaten and trying to make one last stand for survival.

She goes on to talk about the river of tears that would not stop, until, they did. When they stopped, she heard a voice telling her “Go back to bed Liz”. She recognized that as the wise words of God, though it was in her own voice. She had cried enough tears. There would be time enough for the stress but right now, it was time for her to rest so she could handle it all. I love the line “Go back to bed Liz, because I love you, go back to bed.” In my night of tears I too had this moment. It was the moment I could finally stand up and walk away from the tears.

I didn’t hear a voice like she did. Mine was more of a sensation of it was done, I could go on now. I had given all I could. All my tears, all my emotions went with Him. It took awhile to recover from that and even the next morning I was foggy. But through it all I knew I could handle it. I had that faith. I could “Go back to life, because He loved me, I go back to life”. I had given it to Him, just the way she had. There was  no more I could do, everything had been done, I only had to accept it.

Out of touch

Tags

blog, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, depression, emotions, family, feelings, friends, God, out of touch, writing

Hello WordPress World!

Tonight’s blog is more than just a blog title for me right now. It’s really just a summation of how I feel and my life right now. I have been out of touch with a lot of things including but not limited to this blog, family and friends. The big question is why? I don’t have that answer.

I wound up getting the job I mentioned in the last blog, woo hoo! Right? Wrong. The lawyer was something else. I was there two weeks and in that two weeks learned there was one computer for both of us to use, the copier got repossessed, and there was a final notice on the electric bill. There were other things too, but that alone was enough to make me say so long.

After I left I felt ok about it. I dodged a bullet. Now I am back out on the  market. I have applied for other jobs, but no luck so far. Fingers crossed.

I also have turned inward these last few weeks, trying to figure out what I want. I think it is really easy to lose a sense of self during this process. I know that seems odd to say, but I guess it’s the whole not seeing the forest through the trees. Mom keeps telling me to cheer up, and I have friends who are wondering why I am not calling.

Deep down I know what this is and I really dont want to admit that it has come back. I find myself doing the little things, clearing off a table, wiping down the sinks, putting in a load of laundry, just to avoid it. You know you are out of touch when you want to avoid yourself.

The scary part is, there are some parts I don’t mind. I don’t mind the quiet and the being alone. I am ok with that. I know it won’t be this way forever, so I guess that is what makes it easier to accept. I just dont know when it will end and I think that is what is worrying everyone else. I want to reassure them, but I don’t know how.  For now, I am just doing what I can to get through the day.

I can tell you one thing that has helped. I have done a lot of praying. That helps. I feel like I can get it all out and be ok for a little while. The world doesn’t seem as dark.

In terms of writing, I felt like I had nothing productive to say. I felt that the thoughts in my mind were nothing that needed to be posted. Then this afternoon, I thought about this blog, and for the first time, I really missed it. Really missed it. I missed posting.

When I logged in and I checked my stats, I was shocked. People were still looking at what I had to say. To all of you who have, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. That meant a lot. I felt like even though I had given up on what I had to say, people were not giving up on reading it. Maybe there was a purpose to making this blog after all.

I wish I could say from now on, a blog a day. I am not going to, that would be a lie. I will though put a post-it up with a picture of those stats as a reminder.

When death meets the living

Tags

contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, death, family, friends, husband, life, living, love, wife

Today my Mom came home for lunch and told me that the husband of a long time family friend had passed away.

This man was a great man. He took care of his wife like no other man I have ever seen. He curled her hair in those back places that are hard to get to. She loved false eyelashes but had trouble putting them on, so he did it for her. He supported her through long illnesses and loved her.

Last night he went to sleep and did not wake up this morning. I cannot imagine the grief she is having. To know that the man she loved, who loved her, died beside her and was not awake to save him. That grief must be immeasurable. To know that the man who stood beside you in life, died beside you while you slept has got to be one of the most heart wrenching feelings in the world.

Times like these I think about my own life and relationships. I think about what I would do in her shoes. Part of me thinks its better to just love, because even when you have the hurt, at least you had the love too. The other part, the stronger part says “that is the reason why you don’t let people in at all”.

I have worked really hard at being strong and at being independent. I give advice more than I ever seek it out. I just dont show that side of me, even to the ones who love me and that I love. My fear is that if I make myself vulerable to them and they leave -for whatever reason- then what? I have become dependent on them and in turn, will be lost when they are gone. I have lost enough people who are special to me in this life to know that that pain is not a pain I want to soon revisit.

 There is a saying, when the heart is open to give it is open to receive. If you are willing to be there for people, your heart is bound to open to them, and when it does you are bound at some point to care about them. You cant help but love them.

So where is the balance? Is there a balance? Can you love without being hurt? Can you open yourself up and still be protected? Or is it better to stay closed and not love at all?

I am also curious about that protection. At what price does it come? Can you love fully while holding back? Is that an honest sort of love?

I don’t have any of these answers. I think that no matter the pain that you feel when those you love aren’t with you, it is the love that you know you have for them that sees you through.

My friend will hurt today and for a long time. She will feel excruciating pain and guilt. But she will have something else. She will know that she was loved, totally, wholly, and unconditionally. While that may be hard to see for a long time, she will come back to that. She will come back to see how much she was truly loved. Love won’t bring him back, but the memory will see her through.

Personal Demons

Tags

Angel, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, demon, demons, life, personal, Sarah Maclachlan, thoughts, time

Everyone has their own demons. I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t. No matter how put together someone is, with the right words, they can lose it at the drop of a hat. They haunt us, never really going away, only lurking to come out at the worst possible time.

I have been lucky I have banished most of my demons. Either with time or a lot of realization they have moved on. Only one still lingers and it is by far the hardest one. I feel like this last one is a hybrid of a couple that I used to have, and they just morhped into this dark beast that has no remorse at cutting my heart out.

Time heals a lot of wounds. It puts distance in between you and the horrific events that have altered your life. The demons though, at least some of them, aren’t fazed by time. They grow steadily accumulating any little detail of your life necessary to their growth, until before you know it that nagging voice has become a beast you aren’t sure you can control.

This song reminds me of the demons that haunt and even in the darkest of those times that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that there is comfort still left in the world.

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there’s always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh a beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe
in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Coffeeshop Bloggin’

Tags

bad day, bad days, blog, choice, choose, coffee, coffeeshop, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, cry, dark, darkness, depress, depressed, depression, drive, emotions, experience, experiences, faith, family, feelings, healing, hurt, insomnia, life, light, love, pray, prayer, reality, road, shower, sunshine, thoughts, tomorrow, weep, writing

That’s right ladies and gents; today I am blogging from a favorite coffee shop. This was a total need to leave the house day. It is hotter than a hootie hoo out, but I knew that that could not stop me. I needed to feel the sunshine on my skin.

I hopped in the shower. There was no way I could go out as is. It was super lovely. The body wash scent is growing on me. I don’t think I will buy it again next time, but I still enjoy it. I used some awesome smelling shampoo that brings out the waves in the hair. I knew that there was no way I was spending a ton of time under a hot hair dryer.

The shower was what I needed and after a good lunch, I donned a cute skirt -it’s way too hot for shorts- a tank top with flip flops and put the sunglasses on and headed out. I was right, the sun felt awesome. I rummaged in my handbag until I found my sunscreen and after liberally applying it headed off. I hopped on the highway and put all the windows down and let the sunroof open. I could feel the warm wind and I inhaled the scent of a city summer.  You know the smell, that intoxicating blend of heat, trees, flowers, and asphalt.

Now I am here in the coffee shop, and I do have some legitimate work to do. I wanted first though to write about at least one thought that is going through my mind. Despite my lack of published entries I have been very contemplative lately. I just haven’t published because I can’t yet seem to separate me enough from them to put them into font. For now, I need to hold on to them. I don’t know why. It’s not that I want them per se, but maybe in a small way I fear what will take their place once they are gone.

For now, I will talk about a little bit of what I have been experiencing. I am very reluctant to admit it.  I think by letting go of it sooner, I would have to acknowledge its existence and I was not ready to deal with it. I have since a few days after graduation, been depressed. There it is. I said it. I have been depressed. Wow. I admitted it. There is that word, black and white right there for all to see on the internet.

Depression is an ugly beast. I have been under fogs before, but they were never like this. This is unreal. I have had periods of time spent in the chair in the living room just staring. For hours I would sit, just this way, staring. No motivation, nothing. I hated it, but I could not be motivated to do anything about it.

I wasn’t all like, I want my life to end. I just didn’t know how to begin it I think. For the first time in forever I was faced with a reality of not having a job or school. For the last four years, I have held down both. Now, I have nothing holding me down.

My father was once out of work. His term lasted for three years. I was sunk into depression after three days. Someday it lingers, I won’t lie. I find I still can’t sleep at night. The insomnia the last few days has been monstrous. I lay there, my mind going a million miles a minute. I try to focus and pray and I can, but not for long. I find that sometimes my faith has a hard time holding my focus when it gets really bad.

The good news is – the bad days are fewer. When they are here they don’t linger as long. I am not as incapacitated by the blanket of grey that can ensconce my mind.

I was really hesitant to talk about this. It’s not an easy topic, to either admit, let alone write about and the post for the whole world to see. However, when I started writing, I wanted this blog to reflect me and my take on my life and this world. My life is not all lilies, body wash, and bad drivers.

My life is real. It’s me, it is my thoughts and feelings and experiences. Right now my thoughts are not always positive. Nine times out of ten I can be confident in knowing who I am, and what I feel. Only I can know me. Today is day ten. Today I am not confident. Today I am learning.  Confidence whether real or fleeting is one of the most empowering feelings a human can own. It is however, I find, sometimes difficult to maintain, and some days you just have to fake it until you make it.

On day ten I count the things I have. I think of those who love me. I think of those who have sacrificed for me. I think of those who see me and success as a complete picture. Then I thank God that I have those people. Those are the people who will help hold my hand out of this. Those are the people that will inspire me to realize that I am more than my insecurities – whether real or ballooned out of proportion – by the thoughts in my head.

I love those people. They mean more to me than all of the confident days I have. Even if I can’t look at them and say, I am struggling or I am suffering,  I know that I can and I know that they will be there to listen me.  I am so lucky to have a small army of people behind me to believe in me, even when I have forgotten how to believe in myself.

I know that I may go to bed tonight and I may lay there for hours. I will pray. I may cry. I may weep for those that I love and I who I am helpless to do anything for them. I may weep because I feel the unknown that lies in front of me. In all of the pain and tears there is one thing that I can rest assured in. Tomorrow will come. The sun will stream through my window and a new day will dawn. In that first few minutes of my awakening, I will have a road in front of me.  I will pray as I do every morning, and I will make a choice. I will choose to take the path that leads to well-being. While that path may lead me down a dark alley or two, I know that it is only a matter of time before I walk into the light again.

Where does the love go?

Tags

anger, cards, cleaning, clutter, commitment, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, emotions, ex, feelings, front porch, honest, letters, live, love, love letter, love letters, personal, relationship, relationships, sadness, thoughts, vulnerable

That is the question that is on my mind tonight as I sit here on my front porch. Where does the love go? In this blog I have tried to put down some of my innermost thoughts. My most honest, real to the soul, innermost thoughts. This post I am sure will be no exception. This weekend I have been clearing my clutter out. I am graduating in 4 days and I have been systematically boxing everything up. I have also been going through other things.

I have boxes of books and an entire desk in the basement of things to go through. I went through most of it. Then I hit the lower left hand drawer. Folders and folders of school things. I could pitch most of it, thankfully. Then I hit the back of the drawer. The mother lode.

The mother lode of baggage, if you will. In the back of the drawer held a cache of letters and cards from my ex. I had utterly forgotten about it even being there. I would be lying if I said it didn’t effect me. It does not anger me. For a long time most everything surrounding that did. However, I got over my ex a long time ago. Mainly I just realized that it wasn’t worth the spent anger.  Tonight though I think I am just confused.

I could not help but to open some of the letters and read them. It was like a timeline of the relationship. Starting out as friends and then you could see the relationship growing. I think what has me confused is how do you go from ” You’re all I need” to “I need you to not be around”? How does that happen in a relationship? I didn’t understand it then and I have to admit four years later I am still nowhere close to figuring that out. Don’t get me wrong. I am not hankering for my ex. I DO NOT miss the relationship, and I have less than zero desire to have it back. I am so much better off now, it’s not even funny.

Reading these old letters  has me pondering: how you can spend so long growing and nurturing a relationship to only have it bust? How does a person go from claiming such a strong love to passionately believing the opposite? How does a person change their feelings about someone that they supposedly care about so deeply; someone who saw them through such awfulness, and the nightmares of their life. I can’t lie, the letters don’t make me upset as in angry, but they sicken me. They make me nauseous. The realization of how vulnerable I allowed myself to be, makes me queasy. It makes me want to plant my feet firmly on the ground and close up shop, never to feel that hurt again. This is such a  hard thing for me to say, but in this moment right now it is my honest and truest feelings.

For so long, I have been focused on planting only the roots that would allow me to grow the wings to let me fly.  These roots – these feelings  – are not the same kind of root. These are the kind of roots that are an emotional anchor.  Right now my life is about going places and making my life worth something. To be helpful to others, and to do what is meant for me to do.  Having these roots anchor me, will sink me fast. I know that.  They brought back a lot of pain, the kind of pain that hurts your heart, and for a few seconds takes your breath away.

God, why did I save these things? I remember going through the discussion with friends, should I keep them or toss them? Many folks said keep them. One woman in fact said I should keep them because “I never knew if I would ever find a love like that again, and I should have something to remember it by”.  In hindsight I should have said you are right, I will find better and I can start now by dumping these.  The thing is when I look at this pile, I don’t remember the love. I have forgotten that part. I suppose that is a blessing, otherwise it would hurt more.

The bright side to all of this, is that I will hopefully feel better about it in the morning. I will realize that the emotions I spent here wasn’t worth it, and that this bit of realization was just a bump in the road. The dark side will getting through tonight, and lamenting the fact that I am not allowed to burn inside the city limits.

The Beginning of the End

Tags

breeze, car, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, driving, graduation, life, plan, random, school, stress, sunroof, thoughts, toxins, weekends, wind, windows

Well ladies and gentlemen, it’s official, we are in the homestretch. I had my first final tonight. The first of the last of them. It’s so unreal. It hit me a little bit today when I was polishing my resume and I took out anticipated graduation date and put graduation date.  I will be so glad to put this part of my life behind me. I tote it all up and put it away. I can get a new flash drive that will only have current projects on it and nothing school related.

I look forward to weekends spent walking in the park and, you I can’t even finish that sentence. I don’t know what else. I haven’t lived that kind of life in so long I don’t really remember what comes after the and. Not to worry though, I will figure it out.

For tonight I will just plan. Plan on what to do with all the space I will have once the notebooks and binders and school paraphernalia is gone. Odds are, I will do nothing with it and just enjoy the empty shelf space. There is no reason to add more, I will only have to take it down when I move.

Last night coming home from school, I tried to think about what life will be like post exams. It was an amazing night. It was pretty windy, and on my way home, I had all the windows down and the sunroof open. I wanted to clear my head out. I let the wind roll through the car. It was amazing. To feel the wind on my skin and blow through my hair, was liberating. I just kept taking deep breaths, wanting to get as much fresh air in me as I could. I wanted to blow out all the stress and toxins that have come with this journey.

Did it work? Yeah, a little. I guess you can’t blow out four years in one night.

The Road Doesn’t Have to Be Traveled Alone

Tags

alone, blessed, blind, commencement, contemplation, dark, darkness, dedication, finals, graduation, influence, integrity, life, loneliness, love, lucky, man, men, objectivity, people, porch, random, sacrifice, school, stress, support, thoughts, woman, women

I come to you tonight from my perch on the porch.  It is so nice out. It’s is just a little cool and a little wet. It is just enough to need a blanket and have a damp derriere. I will admit, I have had a bit of a reality check this semester. When I started school I was focused and determined to make my own roads. I expected to work hard, get As and to graduate. I wasn’t looking to make friends, join clubs, or in general, be a social butterfly.

Along the way I met great people, people who helped me in ways I never expected. For that I am utterly grateful. It’s so easy to imagine yourself alone on the road of life. Even when you know fair and well you have supporters, it’s easy to slip into a darker area where you can’t see them and you feel very much alone in your tasks and goals.

I know for me, that that is true. Now I am not saying that I didn’t know I had people who were in my corner, I knew that. When the daily grind of life gets you down though, the monotony of stress can make you blind. It’s so easy not to be able to see the forest for the trees, or the commencement through the finals.

I know that I am very blessed. On my path I have had many people inspire me and influence me. People who taught me about the ways to do things, and sometimes more importantly, the ways not to do things. I am lucky to have had women to look to who have done it all – in high heels- and shown me not just what it means to be successful but to be a successful woman. I am also lucky enough to have had men in my life who have taught me about dedication, integrity, objectivity and sacrifice.

What more could I have ever asked for?