There has been a post looming in my mind for some time. I am not sure what It will be titled, or how it will come together. The only thing I have that is solid is a topic – faith and spirituality.
As any reader of this blog knows I have a lot of faith and I am very much a spiritual person. In this last year all of it was put to the test. Looking back I can’t say I walked away unscathed. My spirituality took a hit. Each night I would go to sleep in my bed I would pray and cry (if I fell asleep in the recliner I didn’t pray – I slept there a lot). I must say I began to grow weary of praying, knowing that it would lead to tears because I didn’t know how the events of my life would turn out.
So what changed you ask? The way I feel when I pray. I used to feel like I had this direct line to God. It was a fiercely strong connection. Now, that feels absent. I feel like my prayers are like dandelion fluff and they are going out into the prayer universe.
I feel like this past year I should have a stronger connection to Him. A connection that I could have had, but relied too much on my own capabilities to get through hard times rather than handing it over to God. I just couldn’t let go. I couldn’t let go of the certainty of the anxiety that I felt and let it go into the uncertainty of God.
“The uncertainty of God”, is a powerful phrase. Since when did I start believing that God was uncertain? I don’t, I am sure I don’t. If I don’t, then why did I just say it?
I know that God is out there and I know I can pray. I think the events of this last year have just left me feeling unprotected and vulnerable. I remember after the car accident not being able to take the good things and really appreciate them because I was too focused on the stinking pile of mess that was the rest of my life.
This past weekend I ran into a man who I have known all my life. We used to go to the same church and he was talking to my Mom about retirement and asking her when she was going to retire. My Mom showed hesitancy. (Rightly so, she is very active in her work and she enjoys it and the people. There is no reason for her to quit just yet.) Our friend took one look at her face and said that if it was money that she was worried about, she shouldn’t be. He proceeded to tell us how that was a concern for him and he had prayed about it. He said that God said to him, “Who do you have faith in, Me or money”?
That is a very powerful question. Who do I have more faith in, God who has seen me through, or myself, who is not all-knowing and all-seeing? Is it even a matter of faith, or is it a matter of trust? I have faith that God is there, but maybe it is just my trust in Him that is failing. The trust that He is really going to avert me from disaster and I won’t have disaster after disaster land on my head again.
The trust of disaster aversion is important. Is it the most important thing? Maybe not, maybe what is more important is the soft place to land after disaster has struck.
That will be something to ponder on tonight after I have prayed….and cried.