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My take on my life

Tag Archives: feelings

A Slice of Vulnerable

14 Thursday Jan 2010

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, life

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Contemplative thoughts, emotions, feelings, heart, honest, honesty, humanity, life, remember, soul, spirit, thoughts, touch, vulnerable

Well, I had a blog prepared, but as I sit down tonight to write, I find that my heart is just not into that topic. Actually, I don’t know exactly where my heart is tonight, but it feels like it is in a rather raw place. I am not sure where this entry will go, but I have a feeling it will be to a very honest and in-the-moment place.

I havent felt like me the last few days. I feel like I am going through the motions, but I feel like that if people were to look at me – really look at me, they would see I don’t give a rat’s butt. I am trying. I feel like it is just taking me longer to get there.

I feel exhausted even though sleep has not been elusive for two nights now. Tonight when I came in from work, I was spent. All I wanted was to come home and hear someone say that everything is going to be ok, to just crash and burn into everything that is familiar. Did that happen? Not so much.

I just need to get through the week. Tomorrow is Thursday, after that its Friday and the end. Then I will have Saturday alone. Precious solitude.

I know I am strong, but I am not strong everyday. Ha, not hardly. I just have to remember there are times I have been weaker than this, and if I can wade through that murky mire, then this is a piece of cake.

Right now I am feeling on the vulnerable side and I want to hold a sign that says “Fragile soul, handle with care.” If I could have one thing in this world in this minute, it would be a hug. The human touch is such a simple and powerful thing. A hug, a touch on the face, a hand on the shoulder, all of those things are simple, but when done with sincerity they represent the best of what humanity has to offer.  A genuine touch is warm, caring, empathetic, and has the ability to allow one person to, without words, bond with another on the most basic and intimate level.

Tonight, I just want to be touched.

2 Years and a 100+ Posts Later

29 Sunday Nov 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, life

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

blogging, comments, feelings, grateful, life, posts, writing

I looked at my dashboard the other day and I realized that I have gone over the 100 posts mark. It rather stunned me for a second. 100+ posts, wow.  Two years ago when I started this blog, I had no idea if I would ever maintain it. In fact I thought

I guess it’s just time to get all of these rambling thoughts that are in my mind out and into the real world. I could write them in a diary, but I have never been too good at that. Maybe this will be different. At the very least it will be an interesting experiment.

Two years later, I am glad I have continued to write – even with a few hiatuses. Going back and reading old posts have provided me with an insight into how I can feel versus how I am feeling at the moment.

When I started this process, I did not expect much. I did not expect to be writing two years later, or for anyone to have read what I had to say. Instead, I have continued, and I have gotten some really wonderful feedback and I have been told I have a really unique writing style. (Though what that is, I am still not yet sure).

I am tremendously grateful for those that have left comments. Some have made me happy, others have made cry and some have touched me in a way that I will never be able to describe, such as this one left by Brandon:

Loved your post!! I am sitting here doing the same exact thing, praying and sobbing my heart out. I love tears that come in prayer in church. I guess we’re praying and crying together today.

This comment came at a time when I was posting about my faith and being scared and worried and every thing just came to a head. I posted it and released it, only to find out that someone else out there was feeling the same things I was. To know that there was someone else out there in a similar place made feel less alone. Who knew that could come from blogging?

There is so much I want to say, but I have this feeling it would come out gushy and over emotional. I don’t want that. I haven’t the patience with myself right now to be that way. Right now I just want to say a very humble thank you. It feels good to know that I have stuck with blogging, even when I wasn’t sure that I had much to say. Turns out, maybe I did….

 

 

Feeling Good

20 Friday Nov 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in life, Music Blogging

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Tags

bed, blues, feeling good, feelings, jazz, Michael Buble, morning, music, Music Blogging, Nina Simone, sleep, today, wake up

Well last night I slept for more than two consecutive hours! Miracle of all miracles it happened. I was very apprehensive going to bed, but, I did, and I slept good for about 3 hours, until I saw the sun. I laid in bed for a few minutes and the phone rang. It was a wonderful “wake up call” and those are my favorites.

This morning I am feeling much better than I did yesterday. I have a load of things to do before our trip and I need to buckle down and get some things accomplished. Since I want to keep this feeling good mood, I am going to keep on some upbeat music, including but not limited to Nina Simone’s Feeling Good.

Michael Buble did this song and that is the version you hear played most often. I first heard Nina’s version about ten years ago and I really just fell into sync with it. Michael’s version is ok, but when I need some really good feeling good vibes, I go for Nina.

Hope you like it as much as I do:

Out of touch

09 Monday Nov 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, life

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blog, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, depression, emotions, family, feelings, friends, God, out of touch, writing

Hello WordPress World!

Tonight’s blog is more than just a blog title for me right now. It’s really just a summation of how I feel and my life right now. I have been out of touch with a lot of things including but not limited to this blog, family and friends. The big question is why? I don’t have that answer.

I wound up getting the job I mentioned in the last blog, woo hoo! Right? Wrong. The lawyer was something else. I was there two weeks and in that two weeks learned there was one computer for both of us to use, the copier got repossessed, and there was a final notice on the electric bill. There were other things too, but that alone was enough to make me say so long.

After I left I felt ok about it. I dodged a bullet. Now I am back out on the  market. I have applied for other jobs, but no luck so far. Fingers crossed.

I also have turned inward these last few weeks, trying to figure out what I want. I think it is really easy to lose a sense of self during this process. I know that seems odd to say, but I guess it’s the whole not seeing the forest through the trees. Mom keeps telling me to cheer up, and I have friends who are wondering why I am not calling.

Deep down I know what this is and I really dont want to admit that it has come back. I find myself doing the little things, clearing off a table, wiping down the sinks, putting in a load of laundry, just to avoid it. You know you are out of touch when you want to avoid yourself.

The scary part is, there are some parts I don’t mind. I don’t mind the quiet and the being alone. I am ok with that. I know it won’t be this way forever, so I guess that is what makes it easier to accept. I just dont know when it will end and I think that is what is worrying everyone else. I want to reassure them, but I don’t know how.  For now, I am just doing what I can to get through the day.

I can tell you one thing that has helped. I have done a lot of praying. That helps. I feel like I can get it all out and be ok for a little while. The world doesn’t seem as dark.

In terms of writing, I felt like I had nothing productive to say. I felt that the thoughts in my mind were nothing that needed to be posted. Then this afternoon, I thought about this blog, and for the first time, I really missed it. Really missed it. I missed posting.

When I logged in and I checked my stats, I was shocked. People were still looking at what I had to say. To all of you who have, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. That meant a lot. I felt like even though I had given up on what I had to say, people were not giving up on reading it. Maybe there was a purpose to making this blog after all.

I wish I could say from now on, a blog a day. I am not going to, that would be a lie. I will though put a post-it up with a picture of those stats as a reminder.

Coffeeshop Bloggin’

24 Wednesday Jun 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, Faith & Spirituality, life

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bad day, bad days, blog, choice, choose, coffee, coffeeshop, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, cry, dark, darkness, depress, depressed, depression, drive, emotions, experience, experiences, faith, family, feelings, healing, hurt, insomnia, life, light, love, pray, prayer, reality, road, shower, sunshine, thoughts, tomorrow, weep, writing

That’s right ladies and gents; today I am blogging from a favorite coffee shop. This was a total need to leave the house day. It is hotter than a hootie hoo out, but I knew that that could not stop me. I needed to feel the sunshine on my skin.

I hopped in the shower. There was no way I could go out as is. It was super lovely. The body wash scent is growing on me. I don’t think I will buy it again next time, but I still enjoy it. I used some awesome smelling shampoo that brings out the waves in the hair. I knew that there was no way I was spending a ton of time under a hot hair dryer.

The shower was what I needed and after a good lunch, I donned a cute skirt -it’s way too hot for shorts- a tank top with flip flops and put the sunglasses on and headed out. I was right, the sun felt awesome. I rummaged in my handbag until I found my sunscreen and after liberally applying it headed off. I hopped on the highway and put all the windows down and let the sunroof open. I could feel the warm wind and I inhaled the scent of a city summer.  You know the smell, that intoxicating blend of heat, trees, flowers, and asphalt.

Now I am here in the coffee shop, and I do have some legitimate work to do. I wanted first though to write about at least one thought that is going through my mind. Despite my lack of published entries I have been very contemplative lately. I just haven’t published because I can’t yet seem to separate me enough from them to put them into font. For now, I need to hold on to them. I don’t know why. It’s not that I want them per se, but maybe in a small way I fear what will take their place once they are gone.

For now, I will talk about a little bit of what I have been experiencing. I am very reluctant to admit it.  I think by letting go of it sooner, I would have to acknowledge its existence and I was not ready to deal with it. I have since a few days after graduation, been depressed. There it is. I said it. I have been depressed. Wow. I admitted it. There is that word, black and white right there for all to see on the internet.

Depression is an ugly beast. I have been under fogs before, but they were never like this. This is unreal. I have had periods of time spent in the chair in the living room just staring. For hours I would sit, just this way, staring. No motivation, nothing. I hated it, but I could not be motivated to do anything about it.

I wasn’t all like, I want my life to end. I just didn’t know how to begin it I think. For the first time in forever I was faced with a reality of not having a job or school. For the last four years, I have held down both. Now, I have nothing holding me down.

My father was once out of work. His term lasted for three years. I was sunk into depression after three days. Someday it lingers, I won’t lie. I find I still can’t sleep at night. The insomnia the last few days has been monstrous. I lay there, my mind going a million miles a minute. I try to focus and pray and I can, but not for long. I find that sometimes my faith has a hard time holding my focus when it gets really bad.

The good news is – the bad days are fewer. When they are here they don’t linger as long. I am not as incapacitated by the blanket of grey that can ensconce my mind.

I was really hesitant to talk about this. It’s not an easy topic, to either admit, let alone write about and the post for the whole world to see. However, when I started writing, I wanted this blog to reflect me and my take on my life and this world. My life is not all lilies, body wash, and bad drivers.

My life is real. It’s me, it is my thoughts and feelings and experiences. Right now my thoughts are not always positive. Nine times out of ten I can be confident in knowing who I am, and what I feel. Only I can know me. Today is day ten. Today I am not confident. Today I am learning.  Confidence whether real or fleeting is one of the most empowering feelings a human can own. It is however, I find, sometimes difficult to maintain, and some days you just have to fake it until you make it.

On day ten I count the things I have. I think of those who love me. I think of those who have sacrificed for me. I think of those who see me and success as a complete picture. Then I thank God that I have those people. Those are the people who will help hold my hand out of this. Those are the people that will inspire me to realize that I am more than my insecurities – whether real or ballooned out of proportion – by the thoughts in my head.

I love those people. They mean more to me than all of the confident days I have. Even if I can’t look at them and say, I am struggling or I am suffering,  I know that I can and I know that they will be there to listen me.  I am so lucky to have a small army of people behind me to believe in me, even when I have forgotten how to believe in myself.

I know that I may go to bed tonight and I may lay there for hours. I will pray. I may cry. I may weep for those that I love and I who I am helpless to do anything for them. I may weep because I feel the unknown that lies in front of me. In all of the pain and tears there is one thing that I can rest assured in. Tomorrow will come. The sun will stream through my window and a new day will dawn. In that first few minutes of my awakening, I will have a road in front of me.  I will pray as I do every morning, and I will make a choice. I will choose to take the path that leads to well-being. While that path may lead me down a dark alley or two, I know that it is only a matter of time before I walk into the light again.

Where does the love go?

18 Monday May 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, Front Porch Bloggin, life

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

anger, cards, cleaning, clutter, commitment, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, emotions, ex, feelings, front porch, honest, letters, live, love, love letter, love letters, personal, relationship, relationships, sadness, thoughts, vulnerable

That is the question that is on my mind tonight as I sit here on my front porch. Where does the love go? In this blog I have tried to put down some of my innermost thoughts. My most honest, real to the soul, innermost thoughts. This post I am sure will be no exception. This weekend I have been clearing my clutter out. I am graduating in 4 days and I have been systematically boxing everything up. I have also been going through other things.

I have boxes of books and an entire desk in the basement of things to go through. I went through most of it. Then I hit the lower left hand drawer. Folders and folders of school things. I could pitch most of it, thankfully. Then I hit the back of the drawer. The mother lode.

The mother lode of baggage, if you will. In the back of the drawer held a cache of letters and cards from my ex. I had utterly forgotten about it even being there. I would be lying if I said it didn’t effect me. It does not anger me. For a long time most everything surrounding that did. However, I got over my ex a long time ago. Mainly I just realized that it wasn’t worth the spent anger.  Tonight though I think I am just confused.

I could not help but to open some of the letters and read them. It was like a timeline of the relationship. Starting out as friends and then you could see the relationship growing. I think what has me confused is how do you go from ” You’re all I need” to “I need you to not be around”? How does that happen in a relationship? I didn’t understand it then and I have to admit four years later I am still nowhere close to figuring that out. Don’t get me wrong. I am not hankering for my ex. I DO NOT miss the relationship, and I have less than zero desire to have it back. I am so much better off now, it’s not even funny.

Reading these old letters  has me pondering: how you can spend so long growing and nurturing a relationship to only have it bust? How does a person go from claiming such a strong love to passionately believing the opposite? How does a person change their feelings about someone that they supposedly care about so deeply; someone who saw them through such awfulness, and the nightmares of their life. I can’t lie, the letters don’t make me upset as in angry, but they sicken me. They make me nauseous. The realization of how vulnerable I allowed myself to be, makes me queasy. It makes me want to plant my feet firmly on the ground and close up shop, never to feel that hurt again. This is such a  hard thing for me to say, but in this moment right now it is my honest and truest feelings.

For so long, I have been focused on planting only the roots that would allow me to grow the wings to let me fly.  These roots – these feelings  – are not the same kind of root. These are the kind of roots that are an emotional anchor.  Right now my life is about going places and making my life worth something. To be helpful to others, and to do what is meant for me to do.  Having these roots anchor me, will sink me fast. I know that.  They brought back a lot of pain, the kind of pain that hurts your heart, and for a few seconds takes your breath away.

God, why did I save these things? I remember going through the discussion with friends, should I keep them or toss them? Many folks said keep them. One woman in fact said I should keep them because “I never knew if I would ever find a love like that again, and I should have something to remember it by”.  In hindsight I should have said you are right, I will find better and I can start now by dumping these.  The thing is when I look at this pile, I don’t remember the love. I have forgotten that part. I suppose that is a blessing, otherwise it would hurt more.

The bright side to all of this, is that I will hopefully feel better about it in the morning. I will realize that the emotions I spent here wasn’t worth it, and that this bit of realization was just a bump in the road. The dark side will getting through tonight, and lamenting the fact that I am not allowed to burn inside the city limits.

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