Mosaic artists as healers and a trip to the Vatican

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Angel, art, artist, drawings, dream, education, faith, family, father, Finding Beauty in a Broken World, friends, goals, God, healers, life, love, mosaic, mother, paintings, parents, podcast, religion, Rwanda, sculpture, St. Louis, St. Louis History Museum, Terry Tempest Williams, tile, Vatican Splendors

On a recent trip to the St. Louis History Museum I viewed the exhibition “Vatican Splendors”. It was really amazing to witness. I spent about three hours there and I feel like I could go back for another visit. There was a tremendous amount of art work on display. Paintings, robes,  furniture, sculpture,silver, and drawings just to name a few.

Then there were the mosaics, incredible mosaics. Mosaics never cease to amaze me.  To me, it is such a talent to see a landscape, a face, an object, or a scene from life from a pile of broken rubble and tile.

These artists do, and in such a magnificent way. Beyond all of that, there is also the time and patience of selecting just the right pieces. These artists created light, shadows, and darkness from tile. From trash to treasure came faces of angels and saints.

Seeing all of this triggered a memory for me. I had listened to a podcast earlier in the week called Finding Beauty in a Broken World. In it, the author Terry Tempest Williams talks about being guided by the world of mosaics, and her experience in taking a mosaics class. She made the comment how mosaic artists are healers. They take something that is broken and they make it whole again. That podcast was a special podcast to hear for me. In it, I saw the author as a healer. She met a young boy while she was traveling in Rwanda doing work there. She asked him about his goals and dreams. His dream was to acquire an education, once his brothers and sisters had one. Terry found a way to make that happen. She healed his need for education.

I have often written of giving back to God and how I struggle with that. While listening to this, I was struggling with that again. Until I listened to the wise words of this young boy’s mother. Before Terry took him to the states for his schooling, they went to see his mother. As it turned out they were in the middle of a transfer ceremony with his parents.  His mother told her that she was his biological mother, and that Terry will now be his developmental mother, educate him. At the end of the ceremony, she said how can you let your son go. His mother responds with “God loves my son more than I do.” That hit me so hard. I realized that no matter what, no matter how much I worry over those I love, God loves them more than I do, and I have to let go. I have to trust that God loves them more than I do. That seems so unfathomable because the love I have feels so overwhelming, but I must have faith.

When I started listening to this podcast I never expected it to so radically change my  perception of how I view love and the love I have for my family and friends. Here is the link, check it out. I can’t promise you will find your own turning point, but I can bet if you let it, you will be inspired.

Finding Beauty in a Broken World, Terry Tempest Williams

Happy Thanksgiving

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9/11, American, family, flag, friends, holiday, obama, soldiers, thankful, Thanksgiving, troops, veterans

Happy Thanksgiving WordPress world!

I have so much to be thankful for this year. I have a wonderful people who love me and will support me through thick and thin. I have a house, a car, and I do not lack for a thing that really matters in this life.

I have spent my Thanksgiving vacation with my family. While there have been ups and downs and stops and starts, we have had a good time. As a matter of fact, here in a few minutes I will be having some pumpkin pie.

Right now the economy is still in the crapper and soon Obama will be announcing about sending more troops to Afghanistan. This may be the last holiday a few families will have their whole family together. For me, knowing that, makes my holiday all the more precious.

Today I watched for hours on various stations members of our troops saying hello to their families. In the back of my mind I knew that those men and women are only a small portion of the men and women who are serving. As I have said before, I can never thank them enough. What I can do is pray and remember them, and I do. Daily. If not for them, our country would be a very different place. How do you say thank you to someone who allows you to continue to have the freedom of being an American? How do you say thank you to someone for giving you the gift of security. A gift that I feel is a lot of times largely forgotten.

In the aftermath of 9/11 everyone had a healthy appreciation of this attitude. This year on Veteran’s day I saw fewer than a dozen flags on homes. That is pathetic. We need to show that we are thankful and we do that by remembering. They carry a gun in danger so everyone can carry groceries in safety. They risk their lives so that we can do as we please with ours.

To all the men and women, from the bottom of the hearts of my family and I, thank you. It’s not enough, those words will never fully express my feeling, but those are the only words our language has. Please know that we are praying for you and hoping that you are staying safe, keeping strong, and will come home safe and soon.

 

Happy Thanksgiving.

Out of touch

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blog, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, depression, emotions, family, feelings, friends, God, out of touch, writing

Hello WordPress World!

Tonight’s blog is more than just a blog title for me right now. It’s really just a summation of how I feel and my life right now. I have been out of touch with a lot of things including but not limited to this blog, family and friends. The big question is why? I don’t have that answer.

I wound up getting the job I mentioned in the last blog, woo hoo! Right? Wrong. The lawyer was something else. I was there two weeks and in that two weeks learned there was one computer for both of us to use, the copier got repossessed, and there was a final notice on the electric bill. There were other things too, but that alone was enough to make me say so long.

After I left I felt ok about it. I dodged a bullet. Now I am back out on the  market. I have applied for other jobs, but no luck so far. Fingers crossed.

I also have turned inward these last few weeks, trying to figure out what I want. I think it is really easy to lose a sense of self during this process. I know that seems odd to say, but I guess it’s the whole not seeing the forest through the trees. Mom keeps telling me to cheer up, and I have friends who are wondering why I am not calling.

Deep down I know what this is and I really dont want to admit that it has come back. I find myself doing the little things, clearing off a table, wiping down the sinks, putting in a load of laundry, just to avoid it. You know you are out of touch when you want to avoid yourself.

The scary part is, there are some parts I don’t mind. I don’t mind the quiet and the being alone. I am ok with that. I know it won’t be this way forever, so I guess that is what makes it easier to accept. I just dont know when it will end and I think that is what is worrying everyone else. I want to reassure them, but I don’t know how.  For now, I am just doing what I can to get through the day.

I can tell you one thing that has helped. I have done a lot of praying. That helps. I feel like I can get it all out and be ok for a little while. The world doesn’t seem as dark.

In terms of writing, I felt like I had nothing productive to say. I felt that the thoughts in my mind were nothing that needed to be posted. Then this afternoon, I thought about this blog, and for the first time, I really missed it. Really missed it. I missed posting.

When I logged in and I checked my stats, I was shocked. People were still looking at what I had to say. To all of you who have, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. That meant a lot. I felt like even though I had given up on what I had to say, people were not giving up on reading it. Maybe there was a purpose to making this blog after all.

I wish I could say from now on, a blog a day. I am not going to, that would be a lie. I will though put a post-it up with a picture of those stats as a reminder.

When death meets the living

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contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, death, family, friends, husband, life, living, love, wife

Today my Mom came home for lunch and told me that the husband of a long time family friend had passed away.

This man was a great man. He took care of his wife like no other man I have ever seen. He curled her hair in those back places that are hard to get to. She loved false eyelashes but had trouble putting them on, so he did it for her. He supported her through long illnesses and loved her.

Last night he went to sleep and did not wake up this morning. I cannot imagine the grief she is having. To know that the man she loved, who loved her, died beside her and was not awake to save him. That grief must be immeasurable. To know that the man who stood beside you in life, died beside you while you slept has got to be one of the most heart wrenching feelings in the world.

Times like these I think about my own life and relationships. I think about what I would do in her shoes. Part of me thinks its better to just love, because even when you have the hurt, at least you had the love too. The other part, the stronger part says “that is the reason why you don’t let people in at all”.

I have worked really hard at being strong and at being independent. I give advice more than I ever seek it out. I just dont show that side of me, even to the ones who love me and that I love. My fear is that if I make myself vulerable to them and they leave -for whatever reason- then what? I have become dependent on them and in turn, will be lost when they are gone. I have lost enough people who are special to me in this life to know that that pain is not a pain I want to soon revisit.

 There is a saying, when the heart is open to give it is open to receive. If you are willing to be there for people, your heart is bound to open to them, and when it does you are bound at some point to care about them. You cant help but love them.

So where is the balance? Is there a balance? Can you love without being hurt? Can you open yourself up and still be protected? Or is it better to stay closed and not love at all?

I am also curious about that protection. At what price does it come? Can you love fully while holding back? Is that an honest sort of love?

I don’t have any of these answers. I think that no matter the pain that you feel when those you love aren’t with you, it is the love that you know you have for them that sees you through.

My friend will hurt today and for a long time. She will feel excruciating pain and guilt. But she will have something else. She will know that she was loved, totally, wholly, and unconditionally. While that may be hard to see for a long time, she will come back to that. She will come back to see how much she was truly loved. Love won’t bring him back, but the memory will see her through.

Happy Graduation ~ Here’s a fuel pump

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adult, adulthood, auto, auto repair, automobiles, bills, car, card, commencement, daughter, finances, friends, fuel pump, graduation, life, maintenance, Mom, paying, repair, responsibility, school, shower, wedding, wedding shower

Well, I finally did it. Mission accomplished. I am now a genuine, certified paralegal. WHOO HOOO!!!

Commencement was long and on the boring side. I did get to get talk with my mentors after and got pictures – that was worth going. That weekend my best friend got to come down. It was amazing to see her.  She is one of my all time favorite people. Funny, smart, and very real – she is a real woman. 

Mom was very supportive. She bought me a lovely card. I swear she only buys the ones that make her cry, so she knows I will too. She aims for the tears. That’s ok; I’ll pay her back when she isn’t looking. I will slide one under her pillow that will make her sob. I’m such a loving daughter.  She also slipped in some much appreciated money. Bless her soul.

So, Marchae and I head out to a wedding shower. It was ok. It made me realize that I never, ever, want to have one of those. I don’t care if it is tradition. It’s a waste. Unless it’s a young couple starting out with nothing, you are only bound to get repeats of the things you have. This woman had a massive amount of gifts. I won’t lie, I was a little uncomfortable.  All I could think of was all the good things that money could have done had it been donated to charity. To each their own.

On the way home I stopped for gas. When I went to restart the car, it was all crank but no start. I wound up having to have it towed. When the mechanics finally took a look at it, they determined it needed a fuel pump. Fantastic!  Only 573 dollars to fix it.  It’s a good thing I graduated. Happy graduation, here’s a fuel pump.  For your years of dedication, all those late nights, tears, uncertainty, mid terms and finals – all that work – here’s a fuel pump.  All I can say is: “God, your sense of humor is amazing.”  Comedians are out of work, and He is cracking jokes.

I guess that is one of those life lessons I am supposed to learn. Dedicate your time, and yourself, all to have the great reward of paying your bills.  Ahh, the stagnant smell of adulthood! And here I just thought the trash needed to go out. Who knew?

And tonight I pray…

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blessed, families, family, friends, God, kidnapped, Little Leauge, military, missing, Missouri, mother, murder, News, prayer, prayers, serving, sickness, soldier, son, swine flu, war

When I came home I saw on the news that a mother and her two sons had been strangled in a town not far from mine. I also listened to a report about a young boy who has been kidnapped from his home in Madison Co. Missouri. There was a report of a lawnmower that was stolen from a Little Leauge organization run by volunteers.  All over the news are stories of soldiers being killed, homes being foreclosed upon, and the latest, swine flu.

Tonight as I lay here in front of my laptop, I can look around my space, lit by candlelight, and feel utterly blessed. My family is not suffering like the families of the murdered mother and sons, or of the missing young boy. We have not contracted swine flu and our home is paid for. Don’t get me wrong, I have my worries. There are friends I want safe and family I want healthy. All in all though, I feel like I have truly been blessed.

Tonight I will pray for the families who have lost their loved ones due to sickness, murder, or war. I will pray that God touches them and helps them to find comfort. I will pray for the sick, the missing, and the serving. I will pray that God keeps them safe and blesses them. My prayers will also include a statement of a different kind. A statement of thanks to let God know that I truly am grateful for the  people and opportunities I have in my life.  Life, I feel must be a continual balance between light and dark. Prayer is no different, with the dark must come light.

When School Leaves You With More Than an Education.

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assignment, blessed, blessing, brother, Dad, death, emotions, estate planning, family, friends, God, heaven, life, Mom, questions, school, thoughts, will

I will be honest; tonight I am not sure what to say. I feel like there are no words in me. That is not a feeling I generally come across on a day to day basis. This day seems to be an exception. The only thing that seems to be on my mind is school.

I have an assignment that I have to do.  I have to write my own will. I really do like estate planning. I just never assumed I would be planning my own quite so…soon. I think the part that I hate the most is that it is so impersonal. Facts, figures, it says nothing of what I would really want to say to those I have left behind. It won’t explain why I want my best friend to have my favorite ring, or why I want to leave money to my estranged brother. That is the hard thing for me.

The worst part about it is all that has to be done, all that is left behind. I have decided that I will have an attorney be my executor. I can’t saddle a family member with that.  I know from experience that dealing with grief is hard enough, but to have to deal with assets and taxes and all that too, it’s just not fair. I love my family more than that, and that is what attorneys get paid to do. It’s a win-win situation.

I remember when Dad died, it seemed like the paperwork was never ending. Mom and I struggled enough with the fact that he was gone, let alone making sure his accounts and taxes were in order.

Death is a deeply emotional issue. I am not afraid of it, just the opposite. I think for me it will be like a big homecoming. Dad and my grandparents will be there. Finally I will get to ask God a few questions that I have always wondered about. Things like, why did my dad have to be abused only to then turn around and do the same things to us? I would ask why war is necessary. I would ask why is it that children wind up dying as a result of adult actions. I would ask why parents have to suffer over missing children and never being able to see them again and not be able to have the chance to have closure.

I would ask why He granted some folks with common sense, but then left others without. I would ask why he let people who were drunk out of their mind, drive. I would ask why helpless elderly people in nursing homes have to suffer abuse.

Before I asked a single question though, I would thank Him. I would thank Him for all the wonderful things that I had experienced in my life. I would say thank you for giving my parents. My father who taught me what it meant to be a good friend, and my mom who taught me unconditional love. I would thank Him for giving me friends in my life who accepted me for me, who knew my faults and loved me in spite of them.

I would thank Him for letting me experience all the emotions that life has to offer, and for letting me live my life to the fullest. I would thank Him for holding me up when I didn’t have the strength to carry on. I would thank Him for taking the weight of worry off my shoulders, and for not leaving me confused. I would thank him for being my rock, and my ultimate confidant.

I would thank Him for allowing me to see the beauty in life. I would say thank you for allowing me to be able to appreciate the little things in life. From walking barefoot in the grass to seeing my family and friends smile, I have learned it is the little things in life that make the big bad moments bearable.

Mostly I would thank Him for loving me, listening to me, and answering my prayers. I have been truly blessed to have soo many prayers answered. I feel like in the normal course of my day I have prayers continuously answered. For that, I am eternally grateful.

 

Ticket to Ride

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bed of roses, car, flea market, friends, highway, life, Otis Redding, perfection, relax, ride, river, road, roses, sterling rose, sun, thoughts, wind

Today Mom and I had the chance to take a ride up the river road. It was wonderful. At first I wasn’t sure how the day was going to start out. Mom was impatient and I was not thrilled with it. However once we got in the car and had the windows rolled down, my mood began to lighten.

We went to Lowe’ s so mom could pick up a few plants and things. She has the ability to make plants grow; my “green thumb” has the opposite effect. I tend to forget I own plants until I realize it’s too late. Oops.

We left Lowe’s and hit the road. Once we got onto Highway 100, I began to exhale and really relax. I had my sunglasses on and my head turned so that I could catch the wind. The sun was out and strong. That combined with the wind, made me close my eyes. I could have sat like that forever.

All too soon we were in Grafton and we were coming up on the flea market. Mom and I stopped in and we bumped into some old friends. It was great to see them. It’s hard to imagine my childhood playmates with their own children, but time really does march on.

I found some really lovely satiny scarves. I love to wear scarves. It’s one of my favorite things. Anytime I have a chance to I do. Whether it’s in my hair or tied loosely about the neck so that the ends flow behind me, I love the way they can dress up any outfit.

We left the flea market and drove on up the road. I leaned my head back and settled in. Once the road detoured from the river, I found myself gazing out into farm fields. As far as the eye could see, there were green and golden fields, trees, and the occasional house.

Mom and I stopped for dinner at a little place called Dockside. The food is really good, but the portions are enormous. I have lunch for the next two days after eating there. The cucumber salad was really good, light but satisfying. I also ordered beets and the fried catfish. Mom couldn’t decide between the fish and the pork chop, but eventually she went with the latter.

After we ate, we got in the car and headed home. Originally we were going to go a different way, but when Mom asked my opinion, I knew I wanted to go back home via the river. Coming back the river was not nearly as choppy as it was going up, but it was still moving swiftly. Again I angled my head so that I could feel the wind on my face and blowing through my hair. I put my hand out of the window so that I could feel the wind on my fingers. The air was definitely cooler than it had been earlier.  It swirled all around my hand as I moved it in a circle.

I could feel the waning sun on my face. That combined with the wind and the waves made me think of a song. I got out my iPod and turned on Otis Redding’s Sittin on the Dock of the Bay. Perfect. The perfect song for a perfect moment.

There is a movie that I love, its called Bed of Roses. Cheesy, yeah I know, but it has a lot of lines in it that I love. In one scene the lead male character asks the lead female what her favorite flower is, and she says the sterling rose. He knows which one that is; it’s the thornless kind. She says yes, but that she thinks that roses really ought to have thorns, otherwise they are just too perfect. He says sometimes you just need too much perfection.

He is right. Sometimes you just need moments of too much perfection. Today, this was mine, and I wanted it to last as long as it could.

Tonight I will go to bed, and turn out the lights. I will close my eyes. I will see the river, the trees, and the bluffs. I will feel the wind and smell the sun. I will have yet just one more minute of too much perfection.