Where do you want to be in 5 years?

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5 years, A.A.S, Bachelors degree, chookooloonks.com, degrees, goals, God, ideas, Karen Walrond, legal studies, libraries, library, life, M.L.I.S, Momversation, Paralegal Studies, parents, plans, school

Tonight I happened to read a blog entry on the website Chookooloonks.com. This website was created by Karen Walrond, who I discovered via Momversation.

I love Karen’s site and reading all that she posts. Her photography is amazing and when I read her blog entries I feel like we are sharing a cup of tea and having conversations so real they are nearly tangible in their intensity. Not to mention she has a wonderful speaking voice that I have heard many times in Momversation videos and that always helps to set the relaxed yet intense tone of her blog.

Tonight she talked about planning and asked her readers the question if we knew where we wanted to be in five years, and did we wish we did, or did we even care? Here is my response

My parents used to tell me “Want to make God laugh? Make a plan”. I firmly believe this to be true. Don’t get me wrong I have goals that I have set (and reset) for myself over the years, but I find when I plan it out, it inevitably gets twisted.

Ten years ago I would have said I didn’t know what I wanted to do or to be. I was interested in history, in teaching and I loved books. I, for the love of all, was not going to be a librarian like my mom. I had already spent six years in libraries.

Ten years later, I have my AAS in Paralegal Studies,  and I was attempting my Bachelors degree in Legal Studies. I had it all mapped out. That is until I started working in the library after a year and a half hiatus. Once I shelved my first book I knew I was home. So I changed my major and I am going to take that degree and my 14 years of library experience and I am going to get my Masters in Library and Information Sciences.

If I had to project what my life would look like in five years, I have to honestly say, I don’t know. I would like to be finished with my M.L.I.S., I would like to have a full time job with benefits, and I would like to be living on my own and sharing my life with all the people that I love and that I have connected with in the past 30 years.  I want to have people over, host the Super Bowl, and to have time to devote to things like writing and photography and crafts – things that have fallen by the wayside since I went back to school.

Will that happen? I have no idea. I’m not making any plans…

Am I happy with the idea of not making solid long term plans? Yes. As I have grown I have seen how quickly life can change and I don’t want to miss on out on beautiful moments because I was too busy focused on life’s to do list.  I am content enough to say that I want to do x, y, and z things in life and leave it at that. Are there moments when x, y, and z can’t come soon enough? Sure, of course. I am just not ready to lay down the law of a strict timeline just yet – but you may want to check back with me on that when I hit 40….

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A Question of Faith

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faith, God, Spiritua

There has been a post looming in my mind for some time. I am not sure what It will be titled, or how it will come together. The only thing I have that is solid is a topic – faith and spirituality.

As any reader of this blog knows I have a lot of faith and I am very much a spiritual person. In this last year all of it was put to the test. Looking back I can’t say I walked away unscathed. My spirituality took a hit. Each night I would go to sleep  in my bed I would pray and cry (if I fell asleep in the recliner I didn’t pray – I slept there a lot).  I must say I began to grow weary of praying, knowing that it would lead to tears because I didn’t know how the events of my life would turn out.

So what changed you ask? The way I feel when I pray. I used to feel like I had this direct line to God. It was a fiercely strong connection. Now, that feels absent. I feel like my prayers are like dandelion fluff and they are going out into the prayer universe.

I feel like this past year I should have a stronger connection to Him. A connection that I could have had, but relied too much on my own capabilities to get through hard times rather than handing it over to God. I just couldn’t let go. I couldn’t let go of the certainty of the anxiety that I felt and let it go into the uncertainty of God.

“The uncertainty of God”, is a powerful phrase. Since when did I start believing that God was uncertain? I don’t, I am sure I don’t. If I don’t, then why did I just say it?

I know that God is out there and I know I can pray. I think the events of this last year have just left me feeling unprotected and vulnerable. I remember after the car accident not being able to take the good things and really appreciate them because I was too focused on the stinking pile of mess that was the rest of my life.

This past weekend I ran into a man who I have known all my life. We used to go to the same church and he was talking to my Mom about retirement and asking her when she was going to retire. My Mom showed hesitancy. (Rightly so, she is very active in her work and she enjoys it and the people. There is no reason for her to quit just yet.) Our friend took one look at her face and said that if it was money that she was worried about, she shouldn’t be.  He proceeded to tell us how that was a concern for him and he had prayed about it. He said that God said to him, “Who do you have faith in, Me or money”?

That is a very powerful question. Who do I have more faith in, God who has seen me through, or myself, who is not all-knowing and all-seeing? Is it even a matter of faith, or is it a matter of trust? I have faith that God is there, but maybe it is just my trust in Him that is failing. The trust that He is really going to avert me from disaster and I won’t have disaster after disaster land on my head again.

The trust of disaster aversion is important. Is it the most important thing? Maybe not, maybe what is more important is the soft place to land after disaster has struck.

That will be something to ponder on tonight after I have prayed….and cried.

Eat Pray Love – Part I

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book bloggin', contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, eat, eat pray love, Elizabeth Gilbert, faith, God, love, onewithbooks, pray, religion, spirituality

Well, it’s finally here. Don’t give me that look, you knew this was coming. It was only a matter of time before I blogged about books, this is onewithbooks after all. Music, manners, mystical feelings, those have all been covered, but not books. I have decided to kick off finally getting around to discussing literature by not doing a book review, but a series of blogs on one book. Its go big or go home here! I thought I would chronicle my way through the book Eat Pray Love. I have done this via email with another book, but now I am bringing it to the blog! It will be a journal of emotions, spiritual thoughts, and hopefully, some humor.

If you have not read this book, and don’t want spoilers, stop here. If you have read the book and or are just curious, then sit back, relax and let’s get one with the book Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

This book is made up of 108 chapters, and a special introduction representing the 109 beads on a japa mala. My first wow moment came in the third chapter. We find that Elizabeth has come to the realization that being married is not going to work for her anymore and she has come to this realization while crying on her bathroom floor. It is in this moment she turns to God. Before she gets into that though, she explains her view on God.

In Chapter 3 I find myself relating to her. She says that the one big rule of Christianity that she can’t swallow is Jesus being the only path to God. Amen sister! Can I get a hallelujah? I am right there with her on that. It just is not logical to me. If God created the world, and He made man, and Jesus is the only one true way to salvation, what happened to the billions of people who died before He was born? That just doesn’t sit right with me. The God I belive in is a benevolent God. I don’t feel like he is going to make someone rot in hell because they call their god Allah. I can’t do that.

She also says that she responds with “breathless excitement” to those who have traveled to the center of their hearts and who return to say that “God is an experience of supreme love”.  I too believe that this is what God is. I believe that He, in part, is the best of humanity, and what in humanity is better than love? It is such an amazing emotion there are hundreds of types of love, from being head over heels in love to the love a mother has for her child. An interesting thought just occurred to me. There are many ways to love, but only one way to hate. Maybe God wanted us to love one another so badly He broadened our view of love to encourage us to not stop, to not limit how we can love.

Another part I really appreciated, still in chapter three, is where she discusses what kind of God she believes in. She tells of having a dog, who was a mutt, and when people would ask what kind of dog he was she would say “A brown dog”. When someone asks her what kind of God she believes in, she says “A magnificent God”.  Bravo. I agree. My answer usually comes in the form of “A benevolent God”.  I choose to believe my God is a god of second chances.

In chapter 4, she tells of her prayer to God for Him to help her to know what to do, she realized she hasn’t ever really spoken to Him before, but hopes He knows how grateful she is for her blessings. This causes her to cry harder.  I know this place. I have been to this place. As she is praying she begins to plead and beg for help in a flood of unending tears. I know this kind of crying. Heck, I blogged about it. It is a sort of raw emotional spiritual battle cry in which your soul is being beaten and trying to make one last stand for survival.

She goes on to talk about the river of tears that would not stop, until, they did. When they stopped, she heard a voice telling her “Go back to bed Liz”. She recognized that as the wise words of God, though it was in her own voice. She had cried enough tears. There would be time enough for the stress but right now, it was time for her to rest so she could handle it all. I love the line “Go back to bed Liz, because I love you, go back to bed.” In my night of tears I too had this moment. It was the moment I could finally stand up and walk away from the tears.

I didn’t hear a voice like she did. Mine was more of a sensation of it was done, I could go on now. I had given all I could. All my tears, all my emotions went with Him. It took awhile to recover from that and even the next morning I was foggy. But through it all I knew I could handle it. I had that faith. I could “Go back to life, because He loved me, I go back to life”. I had given it to Him, just the way she had. There was  no more I could do, everything had been done, I only had to accept it.

Mosaic artists as healers and a trip to the Vatican

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Angel, art, artist, drawings, dream, education, faith, family, father, Finding Beauty in a Broken World, friends, goals, God, healers, life, love, mosaic, mother, paintings, parents, podcast, religion, Rwanda, sculpture, St. Louis, St. Louis History Museum, Terry Tempest Williams, tile, Vatican Splendors

On a recent trip to the St. Louis History Museum I viewed the exhibition “Vatican Splendors”. It was really amazing to witness. I spent about three hours there and I feel like I could go back for another visit. There was a tremendous amount of art work on display. Paintings, robes,  furniture, sculpture,silver, and drawings just to name a few.

Then there were the mosaics, incredible mosaics. Mosaics never cease to amaze me.  To me, it is such a talent to see a landscape, a face, an object, or a scene from life from a pile of broken rubble and tile.

These artists do, and in such a magnificent way. Beyond all of that, there is also the time and patience of selecting just the right pieces. These artists created light, shadows, and darkness from tile. From trash to treasure came faces of angels and saints.

Seeing all of this triggered a memory for me. I had listened to a podcast earlier in the week called Finding Beauty in a Broken World. In it, the author Terry Tempest Williams talks about being guided by the world of mosaics, and her experience in taking a mosaics class. She made the comment how mosaic artists are healers. They take something that is broken and they make it whole again. That podcast was a special podcast to hear for me. In it, I saw the author as a healer. She met a young boy while she was traveling in Rwanda doing work there. She asked him about his goals and dreams. His dream was to acquire an education, once his brothers and sisters had one. Terry found a way to make that happen. She healed his need for education.

I have often written of giving back to God and how I struggle with that. While listening to this, I was struggling with that again. Until I listened to the wise words of this young boy’s mother. Before Terry took him to the states for his schooling, they went to see his mother. As it turned out they were in the middle of a transfer ceremony with his parents.  His mother told her that she was his biological mother, and that Terry will now be his developmental mother, educate him. At the end of the ceremony, she said how can you let your son go. His mother responds with “God loves my son more than I do.” That hit me so hard. I realized that no matter what, no matter how much I worry over those I love, God loves them more than I do, and I have to let go. I have to trust that God loves them more than I do. That seems so unfathomable because the love I have feels so overwhelming, but I must have faith.

When I started listening to this podcast I never expected it to so radically change my  perception of how I view love and the love I have for my family and friends. Here is the link, check it out. I can’t promise you will find your own turning point, but I can bet if you let it, you will be inspired.

Finding Beauty in a Broken World, Terry Tempest Williams

The Meaning of Prayer

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balance, God, life, meaning, prayer, relationship, religion, ritual, spirituality, values

For me, prayer is more than just clasped hands and closed eyes. Do I do those things? Sure, but I also pray with my eyes wide open. (This is much appreciated when I am praying and driving!)

For me, prayer is that moment in a day when it is just me and God. It is me talking with my guiding force. It’s me finding my balance and reconnecting with my core values.  It means I am taking all I have learned in the day, up to that point, and either giving it back to Him, or thanking him for giving me the events that shape my life.

I love the traditional ritual of prayer. The closing of the eyes, shutting out the physical world to connect with my spiritual world. The clasping of the hands, the feeling of the physical connection of skin on skin, embracing, coming together to center and focus me and giving me something to hold on to. I love taking that deep breath right before I spill my soul to Him, that deep cleansing breath that elevates my soul closer to heaven.  I love the sense of quiet and calm that comes over me.

For me prayer represents renewal. In letting go of the worries and the stress, I am letting in the calm. I am sweeping out the negativity of the day, or of the moment, and I am bringing in serenity and peace.  It is the shedding of an outer shell and the re-birth of who I am intrinsically as a person and as a woman.

I received a phone call this morning during my moment of prayer. I answered the phone and the person on the other end asked what I was doing. I responded with “Praying”. I think it caught that person a little off guard.  I mean, how often does one really catch someone in the act of praying? It was that conversation that led me to think about prayer and its meaning and place in my life.

So, what does prayer mean for you? What does it symbolize, what does it represent?

Music Blogging: Never Let Go

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broken, Contemplative thoughts, God, Josh Groban, life, music, Music Blogging, Never Let Go, religion, spirituality

Time again for another music blog! I have been wanting to do one of these for the longest, but it was a matter of finding the right song. That was not so easy. I wanted it to reflect the contemplative moods that I have been feeling. This song Never Let Go, by Josh Groban and Deep Forest has always had a special place with me. I first heard it during a very difficult time in my life. I had just ended a relationship, had a close relative pass on, and was in the midst of my first semester back to school. I also was dealing with some serious spiritual questions. I had begun my chats with God during my commute and I found that this song represented in so many ways how I saw Him.  I have posted the lyrics as well as a video.

I can’t understand it.
The search for an answer is met with a darker day.
And we’ve been handed these moments forever.
But I’m reassured there’s another way.
You don’t have to close your eyes.
There is room for love again.
Ease the pain to realize
All that love can be.
Forced apart by time and sand.
Take a step and take my hand.
And don’t let it go.
Never let go.

Broken, once connected,
We were so strong and so blessed in a simple way.
So don’t let me go it alone.
Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below but me.
Face the truth to realize
All that we could be.
Torn apart by rage and fear.
Hold onto what brought you here.
Don’t let it go.
Never let go.

Turn your head up to the sky.
Nothing down below.
Don’t let go.

 

 “I can’t understand it. The search for an answer is met with a darker day” This really hit home with me and my spiritual questions.  I kept searching to find the right way for me and I felt like I only became more lost . All I knew was that I had to keep praying and talking with God.

The next portion of the first verse, I felt, could have been God talking to me, saying I didn’t have to close my eyes, (this was helpful as I was usually driving), and telling me that I had room in my heart for love again. I just had to let the pain that I was going through ease so that I could see all that love could be.  God and I spent some time apart, especially when it came to my issues with Jesus. Now though it felt like God was saying to just take that step toward Him and to take His hand and to never let it go.

“Broken, once connected, we were so strong and blessed in a simple way. So don’t let me go it alone.” I felt like my relationship with God was broken. How could He love me after all I had been, after all I had done? Our relationship had been strong and blessed, but so much had changed. I had changed.  All I knew was I couldn’t go this new life alone, without Him.

The rest of this song just perfectly sums up God’s response to me. All I needed was to turn my head and He was there. There is nothing below but Him and He  is there to catch me if I fall. I needed to face the truth and realize just all of what my relationship with Him could be. He and I were torn by rage and fear, but all I needed to do was to hold on to my orignal faith that brought be back to Him and to not let go – to never let go.

It was such a comfort to feel like He was 100% there for me. He was above and below and all I needed to do was reach out and take His hand and never let go. That was, and is, such a powerful idea to me. I truly thought that after all the mistakes in life that I had made God would not want to love me again, or allow me to be a part of Him again.

 

How wrong I was…. 

A New Step in Spirituality?

Tags

Chai, discover, faith, God, Hebrew, Jesus, keeping faith, rediscovered, spirituality

I think I have quite possibly taken a new step in my spirituality. Years ago when I attended temple, I bought a chai necklace. Chai is life in Hebrew. This past March, I rediscovered this necklace and I put it on. I didn’t take it off for six months. I held it when I prayed or when I was worried. It was a comfort to me. Then one day about two weeks ago, I was sitting here at my laptop and I realized it was gone. I have looked all over for it. I know it has to be somewhere here in the house, but where I have yet to discover.

I was incredibly upset. It wasn’t that I viewed it as a talisman against bad or the keeper of life, it was just a symbol of a connection I felt I had with God. Taking it away, logically, I know won’t minimize that, but to not have it, to not feel it, was disconcerting.

Then I had “life” happen and I needed my necklace. I needed to pray, I needed something to hold to give me strength. But what could that be? I opened my jewelry box and there was the cross necklace my aunt had given me in March. I took a long deep breath, knowing and feeling all of my struggles with this idea of the cross.

I recalled something that I had read that stated in accepting the Trinity you accept the father, the son, and the holy spirit. By not accepting one or the other, you are not accepting God. That hit home for me. Not accept God? I could never not accept God. He has been my rock.

Looking at that necklace, I knew the times I was about to face. I needed a rock, and three is better than one. I put the necklace on. I felt in a way I was letting in something I had long shut out.  I haven’t taken the necklace off. It did prove to be a source of great comfort, and I like how it seems to absorb the heat of my body so that when I pick it up, it’s always warm.

So what does it all mean? I am not sure just yet. The morning after I put the necklace on I went into the kitchen and Mom said (rather in a snotty way, I thought) “I didn’t think you believed in Jesus”? I told her, sometimes there are times when you have to believe in everything to keep faith. That night before, I needed everything. She didn’t know what had gone on that night, and I have never told her in full detail. Some things are better kept to oneself.

So am I all-embracing Christianity now? Yowza. That is a big question and one to which I do not have an answer. If I had to lean one way or another, no. I am not all-embracing it, but I am going to explore it more. I will take some baby steps and see how I feel. This spiritual journey will not be like my previous one when I was baptized at 9 and thought I knew what I was doing. This will be much more different, and much more meaningful.

Out of touch

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blog, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, depression, emotions, family, feelings, friends, God, out of touch, writing

Hello WordPress World!

Tonight’s blog is more than just a blog title for me right now. It’s really just a summation of how I feel and my life right now. I have been out of touch with a lot of things including but not limited to this blog, family and friends. The big question is why? I don’t have that answer.

I wound up getting the job I mentioned in the last blog, woo hoo! Right? Wrong. The lawyer was something else. I was there two weeks and in that two weeks learned there was one computer for both of us to use, the copier got repossessed, and there was a final notice on the electric bill. There were other things too, but that alone was enough to make me say so long.

After I left I felt ok about it. I dodged a bullet. Now I am back out on the  market. I have applied for other jobs, but no luck so far. Fingers crossed.

I also have turned inward these last few weeks, trying to figure out what I want. I think it is really easy to lose a sense of self during this process. I know that seems odd to say, but I guess it’s the whole not seeing the forest through the trees. Mom keeps telling me to cheer up, and I have friends who are wondering why I am not calling.

Deep down I know what this is and I really dont want to admit that it has come back. I find myself doing the little things, clearing off a table, wiping down the sinks, putting in a load of laundry, just to avoid it. You know you are out of touch when you want to avoid yourself.

The scary part is, there are some parts I don’t mind. I don’t mind the quiet and the being alone. I am ok with that. I know it won’t be this way forever, so I guess that is what makes it easier to accept. I just dont know when it will end and I think that is what is worrying everyone else. I want to reassure them, but I don’t know how.  For now, I am just doing what I can to get through the day.

I can tell you one thing that has helped. I have done a lot of praying. That helps. I feel like I can get it all out and be ok for a little while. The world doesn’t seem as dark.

In terms of writing, I felt like I had nothing productive to say. I felt that the thoughts in my mind were nothing that needed to be posted. Then this afternoon, I thought about this blog, and for the first time, I really missed it. Really missed it. I missed posting.

When I logged in and I checked my stats, I was shocked. People were still looking at what I had to say. To all of you who have, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. That meant a lot. I felt like even though I had given up on what I had to say, people were not giving up on reading it. Maybe there was a purpose to making this blog after all.

I wish I could say from now on, a blog a day. I am not going to, that would be a lie. I will though put a post-it up with a picture of those stats as a reminder.

Living in God’s Grace

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but for the grace of God, feeling, God, grace, Keith Urban, life, living, love, lucky, pray, prayer, protection, song, thankful

I have often said I live in a state of grace. There are times I am in deep more than others, times when I need to be consumed in God’s protection.

Don’t get me wrong, I need God – daily. It’s just somedays I see Him out more than others. Somedays I need to feel like He really is holding me and there is only one set of footprints in the sand.

I pray a lot. Somedays, I pray massive amounts. When I drive, I pray. Don’t worry though, I don’t pick that moment to do it with my eyes closed.  Ok, ok, but I swear it only happens when the moron in front of me slams on their brakes and it’s only for a teeeny tiny nanosecond.

This past summer, I live in God’s grace a lot. I talked with him more often than I did anyone. He and I would have running conversations. I love feeling that close with Him. Plus, by the time I am done, I either have a better handle on what I am praying about, or I have at least released it to Him so as to momentarily not to have the burden of it.

When I think of how so many people struggle I think of how lucky I am. I have so much to be thankful for. My life could have turned out a lot differently, with a lot more heartache, a lot less love and more bitterness than one woman needs. I am truly blessed to love, to be loved, to know that I am loved. I am blessed to have my faith and the most amazing people in my life. I don’t know how or why I got so blessed, but I never go one day without being grateful for it.

A few years ago, Keith Urban came out with a song, But For the Grace of God. It really made me stop and think just how lucky I am. I play it pretty often. Not only do I like the song, I like the reminder.

Just in case you haven’t heard it and want to, here ya go!

Being a Good Parent Doesn’t Stop at 18

Tags

advice, children, God, human, kids, life, life lessons, Mom, mother, parent, passions, patience, pick your battles, skill, WMD

Being a good parent doesn’t stop at 18, just ask my Mom. My Mom is an amazing person she has the patience of Job with her kids. She is the epitome of unconditional love. I would be blessed to turn out to be an eighth of the woman she is.

My Mom has taught me more life lessons than I can count. I could probably start a whole blog of just Momisms. She has taught me things like pick your battles and not to stress over what I can’t change when accidents happen.

Pick your battles. Such a simple phrase. I have learned to take this one to heart. When I was younger, I had ill-moderated passions. I was passionate about everything from adoption to human rights to no person feeling left out or behind. I was easily wound up by life’s injustices.

I would come in from work or school and be upset over something small and my Mom would just say to me “Pick your battles.” If I fussed over everything, then when it was really imperative for me to be passionate no one would give it the attention it deserves, because I had cried wolf too many times before.

This sort of knowledge is very powerful. It’s a tough balance learning to measure which battles to fight or to set aside. I have learned most aren’t worth fighting. Seriously is it really worth it to bring out the verbal WMD’s just because your spouse didn’t load the dishwasher “your way”? Meh, probably not.

No human is perfect. We all try to do our best but we invariably are able to screw up just about anything. This is where the second life lesson Mom taught me comes in handy. Accidents happen, don’t stress over what you can’t change. She is so right.

You can’t change the fact that the basement flooded with sewer water, you just can only call the insurance company. You can’t change the fact that the oven blew up, you can only be thankful that there is enough money in the bank to go get a new one. You can’t change the fact that there is a gallon of blue paint on the floorboards of the car; you can only do your best to clean it up.

This is a skill that she had that I truly admire. In the worst of times, she can look at the big picture and point out the positive. She picks up and rolls on. She forgives the actions of her children and she loves us despite our many faults.

I will never be able to tell her how much I love her. There aren’t enough words to say God knew what he was doing when he picked you to be my mother.

 

Thanks God. I owe you one.