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My take on my life

Tag Archives: light

Coffeeshop Bloggin’

24 Wednesday Jun 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, Faith & Spirituality, life

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Tags

bad day, bad days, blog, choice, choose, coffee, coffeeshop, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, cry, dark, darkness, depress, depressed, depression, drive, emotions, experience, experiences, faith, family, feelings, healing, hurt, insomnia, life, light, love, pray, prayer, reality, road, shower, sunshine, thoughts, tomorrow, weep, writing

That’s right ladies and gents; today I am blogging from a favorite coffee shop. This was a total need to leave the house day. It is hotter than a hootie hoo out, but I knew that that could not stop me. I needed to feel the sunshine on my skin.

I hopped in the shower. There was no way I could go out as is. It was super lovely. The body wash scent is growing on me. I don’t think I will buy it again next time, but I still enjoy it. I used some awesome smelling shampoo that brings out the waves in the hair. I knew that there was no way I was spending a ton of time under a hot hair dryer.

The shower was what I needed and after a good lunch, I donned a cute skirt -it’s way too hot for shorts- a tank top with flip flops and put the sunglasses on and headed out. I was right, the sun felt awesome. I rummaged in my handbag until I found my sunscreen and after liberally applying it headed off. I hopped on the highway and put all the windows down and let the sunroof open. I could feel the warm wind and I inhaled the scent of a city summer.  You know the smell, that intoxicating blend of heat, trees, flowers, and asphalt.

Now I am here in the coffee shop, and I do have some legitimate work to do. I wanted first though to write about at least one thought that is going through my mind. Despite my lack of published entries I have been very contemplative lately. I just haven’t published because I can’t yet seem to separate me enough from them to put them into font. For now, I need to hold on to them. I don’t know why. It’s not that I want them per se, but maybe in a small way I fear what will take their place once they are gone.

For now, I will talk about a little bit of what I have been experiencing. I am very reluctant to admit it.  I think by letting go of it sooner, I would have to acknowledge its existence and I was not ready to deal with it. I have since a few days after graduation, been depressed. There it is. I said it. I have been depressed. Wow. I admitted it. There is that word, black and white right there for all to see on the internet.

Depression is an ugly beast. I have been under fogs before, but they were never like this. This is unreal. I have had periods of time spent in the chair in the living room just staring. For hours I would sit, just this way, staring. No motivation, nothing. I hated it, but I could not be motivated to do anything about it.

I wasn’t all like, I want my life to end. I just didn’t know how to begin it I think. For the first time in forever I was faced with a reality of not having a job or school. For the last four years, I have held down both. Now, I have nothing holding me down.

My father was once out of work. His term lasted for three years. I was sunk into depression after three days. Someday it lingers, I won’t lie. I find I still can’t sleep at night. The insomnia the last few days has been monstrous. I lay there, my mind going a million miles a minute. I try to focus and pray and I can, but not for long. I find that sometimes my faith has a hard time holding my focus when it gets really bad.

The good news is – the bad days are fewer. When they are here they don’t linger as long. I am not as incapacitated by the blanket of grey that can ensconce my mind.

I was really hesitant to talk about this. It’s not an easy topic, to either admit, let alone write about and the post for the whole world to see. However, when I started writing, I wanted this blog to reflect me and my take on my life and this world. My life is not all lilies, body wash, and bad drivers.

My life is real. It’s me, it is my thoughts and feelings and experiences. Right now my thoughts are not always positive. Nine times out of ten I can be confident in knowing who I am, and what I feel. Only I can know me. Today is day ten. Today I am not confident. Today I am learning.  Confidence whether real or fleeting is one of the most empowering feelings a human can own. It is however, I find, sometimes difficult to maintain, and some days you just have to fake it until you make it.

On day ten I count the things I have. I think of those who love me. I think of those who have sacrificed for me. I think of those who see me and success as a complete picture. Then I thank God that I have those people. Those are the people who will help hold my hand out of this. Those are the people that will inspire me to realize that I am more than my insecurities – whether real or ballooned out of proportion – by the thoughts in my head.

I love those people. They mean more to me than all of the confident days I have. Even if I can’t look at them and say, I am struggling or I am suffering,  I know that I can and I know that they will be there to listen me.  I am so lucky to have a small army of people behind me to believe in me, even when I have forgotten how to believe in myself.

I know that I may go to bed tonight and I may lay there for hours. I will pray. I may cry. I may weep for those that I love and I who I am helpless to do anything for them. I may weep because I feel the unknown that lies in front of me. In all of the pain and tears there is one thing that I can rest assured in. Tomorrow will come. The sun will stream through my window and a new day will dawn. In that first few minutes of my awakening, I will have a road in front of me.  I will pray as I do every morning, and I will make a choice. I will choose to take the path that leads to well-being. While that path may lead me down a dark alley or two, I know that it is only a matter of time before I walk into the light again.

My Cat’s New BFF

11 Saturday Apr 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in life

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Tags

animals, cat, cats, felines, laser, life, light, play, random

My cat Freckles has a new best friend. I have two cats. A black and brown tortoise-shell, Freckles, and a gray (faded tortoise-shell) Gracie. Freckles is about 12 pounds of love. She will sit on your lap and cuddle, and she will lovingly rub all of her excess fur onto your clothes. Gracie is more standoffish, but of the two, she is definitely nosier.

Mom and I decided that Freckles needed some exercise. A few years ago, my brother brought home this red laser light, and they loved it. So Mom and I set out to find a laser light. We found it and brought it home. Life has not been the same since.

Freckles LOVES her new friend.  By loves, I mean obsessed. I can’t even reach for my glass of water without the cat looking over in my direction to see if I am reaching for her “friend”. If the chain should happen to delicately tinkle against the aluminum barrel her head whips around as if someone has yelled free money.

If you should decide to bring out the friend, she is all over it like white on rice. My favorite thing is to slowly move the red light into the kitchen and down the hall to watch her chase after it. A half a dozen rounds of this, and the poor cat is huffing and puffing and will only watch with mild interest as I move the light about in her general direction. Also a favorite, is to move the light near her front paws.  I like to move it quickly from side to side, all the while making it go in a forward direction. This will cause Freckles to shake her head to the movement of the light and patter her paws forward to “catch” the light.

Today I decided to bring out the “friend”. After a few minutes of active playing I calmed it down again. By this point, Gracie had come into the living room to see what all the fuss was about. She’s nosy remember? She laid down by Freckles and was perfectly content just watching the action. Not wanting her to feel left out, I decided to involve her by shining the light on her ear. (Ok before anyone gets upset and PETA comes chasing me down, no cats were harmed in the process and I made very sure not to at any point shine the light in her eyes.)

Freckles was amazed. She just stared. The look on her face was priceless. It was “How did my friend get up there?” She watched it and finally she went over and she sniffed Gracie’s ear. I moved the light over to Grace’s other ear. Apparently it was a little too fast for Frecks, because she kept sniffing Gracie’s ear and looking around to see where her friend went.

Before she got too lonely, I moved the light off of Grace and back onto the middle of the floor. I proceeded to move the light around in an oval/circle shape. Freckles could not take her eyes off of it. The thing is, she has not learned how to just move her eyes. She moves her whole side. Side to side, back and forth, round and round went her little head. Then I moved the light forward and patter pattern she stomped her front paws trying to “get it”. It was absolutely hysterical! I took the light and swung it around to the right 180 degrees and she followed it. I swung it around full circle, making Frecks swing around full circle. It was too much! Round and round went the light, round and round went the cat!  Up the hall went the light, up the hall went the cat. In the kitchen went  the light, in the  kitchen the cat skidded to catch the light. Back in the living room, back up the hall.  Before long Frecks was huffing and puffing, so I stopped and let her rest. There is always tomorrow.

1 cat: free

1 laser light: 10 dollars

Hours of quality entertainment for the humans: priceless

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