Just Waving Hello…

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acceptance, attitude, Christmas, employment, family, graduated, graduation, grandparents, life, negative, outlook, positive, posting, school, writing

I can hardly believe it has been over a year since I have posted a blog here. I had a few drafts in the works, but nothing concrete.  To say that I have been busy this last year would be an understatement. School and work kept me completely immersed in “to dos”. 

The upshot of it all, I graduated!! Two weeks after I graduated I found employment which, though only part-time, kept me busy and on the road. I also began spending more time with my grandparents – a topic for another post. In July, I began to work two jobs and so I was working 6 days a week. I ceased that busy schedule in October and though I am not on the road as many days a week, there seems to always be one reason or another to be on the road or not at home. 

Christmas is just around the corner and I can hardly believe it is nearly here. Tonight I had a coffee with two dear people and we reminisced about where we were a year ago. To be honest, it feels like five years ago. This time last year I had just completed a busy semester – one that included 60+ pages of writing, not to mention my capstone paper for my degree. I was already starting on the spring semester by reading a well-researched, but extremely difficult book on World War II and dreading the day that would come when I would have to discuss it. The thought of all of that even now, is enough to turn my stomach. 

So where am I now, you may ask. I am finally coming to a place of peace. It is surprising how long it has taken to arrive. I finally feel I can take one day at a time and despite being occupied with work and family related things, there is time for lunch with friends and the occasional coffee. 

I also feel as though I have done a tremendous amount of growing in the last few months. I feel like the goals I am wanting for my life are coming into focus. I also feel that because I have a clearer picture of what I want, I also have a clearer picture of what I don’t want. I know that in life we can’t always choose what have or what we do not have, but at the end of the day, many times we do have a choice. Sometimes that choice is only choosing how we look at the world, be it with acceptance of life as it is and the hope for better or with repugnance of everyone and everything in it. 

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Where do you want to be in 5 years?

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5 years, A.A.S, Bachelors degree, chookooloonks.com, degrees, goals, God, ideas, Karen Walrond, legal studies, libraries, library, life, M.L.I.S, Momversation, Paralegal Studies, parents, plans, school

Tonight I happened to read a blog entry on the website Chookooloonks.com. This website was created by Karen Walrond, who I discovered via Momversation.

I love Karen’s site and reading all that she posts. Her photography is amazing and when I read her blog entries I feel like we are sharing a cup of tea and having conversations so real they are nearly tangible in their intensity. Not to mention she has a wonderful speaking voice that I have heard many times in Momversation videos and that always helps to set the relaxed yet intense tone of her blog.

Tonight she talked about planning and asked her readers the question if we knew where we wanted to be in five years, and did we wish we did, or did we even care? Here is my response

My parents used to tell me “Want to make God laugh? Make a plan”. I firmly believe this to be true. Don’t get me wrong I have goals that I have set (and reset) for myself over the years, but I find when I plan it out, it inevitably gets twisted.

Ten years ago I would have said I didn’t know what I wanted to do or to be. I was interested in history, in teaching and I loved books. I, for the love of all, was not going to be a librarian like my mom. I had already spent six years in libraries.

Ten years later, I have my AAS in Paralegal Studies,  and I was attempting my Bachelors degree in Legal Studies. I had it all mapped out. That is until I started working in the library after a year and a half hiatus. Once I shelved my first book I knew I was home. So I changed my major and I am going to take that degree and my 14 years of library experience and I am going to get my Masters in Library and Information Sciences.

If I had to project what my life would look like in five years, I have to honestly say, I don’t know. I would like to be finished with my M.L.I.S., I would like to have a full time job with benefits, and I would like to be living on my own and sharing my life with all the people that I love and that I have connected with in the past 30 years.  I want to have people over, host the Super Bowl, and to have time to devote to things like writing and photography and crafts – things that have fallen by the wayside since I went back to school.

Will that happen? I have no idea. I’m not making any plans…

Am I happy with the idea of not making solid long term plans? Yes. As I have grown I have seen how quickly life can change and I don’t want to miss on out on beautiful moments because I was too busy focused on life’s to do list.  I am content enough to say that I want to do x, y, and z things in life and leave it at that. Are there moments when x, y, and z can’t come soon enough? Sure, of course. I am just not ready to lay down the law of a strict timeline just yet – but you may want to check back with me on that when I hit 40….

One foot in front of the other

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choices, Contemplative thoughts, decisions, lenders, life, mango, mangoes, ripple, school, think, thoughts, university

One foot in front of the other. That is what I have to do. I swear sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off. Life would be so much easier. In my head, I have been around the world 42 times in the last hour, but taking actual physical steps, well, that amount is smaller.

I can over-analyze what could happen to death. My brain can imagine the worst scenarios out of anything. That’s great if you are a chess player with all the time in the world. Life is not chess, and I need to just walk.

Where am I going? Forward. I know that much, and now, that is all that counts. I know I have to go forward. I was accepted to the university that I want to go to and now I have to start that part of my life. The next step is finding lender and talking with the financial aid people.

Finding a lender – I wont lie, feels overwhelming. I mean this is a financial institution that will be with me for a long long time, and I need to pick the right one.  Too bad there isnt an arrow over the top of one of them saying “Pick me, I am the right one for you”. That would be awesome in multiple areas of life actually! I could pick a better mango that way…

On the other hand, that would take away a sense of personal choice, and I like my ability to choose. I don’t think I would like who I am if I stopped thinking altogether.  Edgy neuroticsm is a part of who I am. What would I do without that nagging question in the back of my mind? I think its part of what keeps me human, and making the best choices for me. Seeing how one step effects another is how I make my decisions. I think via the ripple effect. To take that away, would take a vital part of who I am.  So, yeah, no arrows for me thanks. Lenders and mangoes will just have to continue to be a part of the decisions in my life.

Sing it Dolly!

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9 to 5, 9-5, boss, Dolly Parton, job, lyrics, school, ship, song, tide, university, work

Today I had my iPod at work on shuffle and as it went through my list, it hit on 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton. I love this song. I love the movie.

This week this song feels especially true.

Tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
And yawn
and stretch
and try to come to life.
Jump in the shower
and the blood starts pumping
Out on the street
the traffic starts jumping
With folks like me on the job from nine to five.

Working nine to five
what a way to make living
Barely getting by
it’s all taking and no giving.
They just use your mind
and they never give you credit
It’s enough to drive you crazy
if you let it.

Nine to five
for service and devotion
You would think that I would deserve a fair promotion
Want to move ahead
but the boss won’t seem to let me
I swear sometimes
that man is out to get me.
They let you dream just to watch them shatter
You’re just a step on the boss man’s ladder
But you’ve got dreams he’ll never take away.
In the same boat with a lot of your friends
Waitin’ for the day your ship’ll come in
And the tide’s gonna turn
and it’s all gonna roll your way.

Working nine to five
what a way to make a living
Nine to five
they’ve got you where they want you
There’s a better life
and you dream about it don’t you?
It’s a rich man’s gameno matter what they call it
And you spend your life putting money in his pocket.

Nine to five
what a way to make a living
Nine to five
they’ve got you where they want you

I really feel like I am waiting for the tide to turn and my ship to come in.  I applied to a local university that has my program and now I am just waiting to hear back to see if I have been accepted.  Fingers crossed! In the meantime I am working this 9-5 job that has me typing all day every day. Its just a temp job, so there are no promotions, no raises and if I need a day off, its at the expense of my paycheck. There is a better life out there, I know there is. I see other people with it!!! I just have to wait a little bit longer for the time to turn my way. In the meantime… sing it Dolly!

So tell me a little bit about yourself…

Tags

direction, essay, future, life, me, money, school, worry

Well if that is not a loaded question, I don’t know what is. This, however, is the question I am facing. I went to the college today to see about applying for school to get my B.A. I found out that as a part of this process, I have to write a 5-600 word essay on me. The woman said that she wanted to find a little bit more about me.

What do I say? Where do I even start? Hi my name is Onewithbooks and I am finally getting my degree at 30! Mmm. Probably not the best way to start. I thought about looking through my old blogs for inspiration. After I did, I came to one big realization. Those entries aren’t me anymore. They were a year ago, but not now. So, who am I now?

Now I am a woman who is trying to get it all together and keep it there. I am a woman who wants her independence and who is fiercely trying to stay above the water. In a nutshell, I am a survivor.

I was raised to “do it right”. Don’t do drugs; don’t get pregnant before you are married. Heck don’t have sex before you are married. Value others. If you borrow something, return it the same way you received it or better.  Don’t take what is not yours. I was also taught that you have to earn your way in life, and that nothing will ever be handed to you. My parents also taught me that no one will ever love me unconditionally the way they do.

For the most part, I followed the rules. I didn’t get pregnant, I didn’t do drugs, except for that once I took some puffs on a pot pipe and was severely not impressed, and the occasional drink. Basically all the same things most young adults go through and even in that, by and large, I stuck to the rules. I went to school, did my best, or tried to anyway. I stuck by my mom when dad got sick. I was there after he passed. I worked full time and went to school. I didn’t rack up thousands and thousands of credit card debt.

Was I perfect? No. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Did I learn from them? Yes, but I am also still learning, because I think as humans we never stop making mistakes.

Along the way, I had life happen. I had to take detours. I couldn’t afford to take out loans and go to school. I had to work for what I wanted. Now at 30 I am only half way there, but with zero school debt, because I did it “right”.

So now starts a new chapter of doing it right, and it’s called getting it done and over with. But a little secret, just between you and me? I am scared. What if I don’t do it right? What if I can’t find a job? What if I am not good enough? Going to school is not foreign to me, I shouldn’t be scared, but I am. I am scared of the debt and of the failure. I worry my best just won’t be good enough and that it will say about me that I am just not good enough. That would be devastating.

Will that happen? It could, it’s not out of the realm of possibility. Will I let it? Not if I can help it.

I have this education, now what?

Tags

B.A., Bachelors degree, degree, education, job, legal secretary, legal studies, life, paralegal, school, student, university

Its official, I have been a graduate for nearly a year. As I look back on the year I can see that its been a rough time. I have questioned myself, God, my sanity, my intelligence and my overall self-worth.

Last summer was in a nutshell, horrendous. If never repeat it, I will be OK! Then came the fall, and I was employed by an attorney for a short time who wanted not a fresh-off-the-press graduate willing to work for ten dollars an hour, but a candidate for Mission Impossible. (Cue theme music). He wanted a legal secretary, receptionist, and paralegal, and he needed me to know how to do it all yesterday. After two years I didn’t expect to be a $3.33 an hour paralegal.

I worked hard for my education. Long days, longer nights, tons of stress and anxiety, but I did it, and I did it with honors. A feat to be proud of, or so I thought.

I began to reconsider this notion when I began to apply for a job. Suddenly my two-year degree was pittance and what I needed was experience, something my resume was definitely lacking. Of course I can’t get experience unless I get a job and no one wants to hire you without experience.

That is of course unless you have a BA in Legal Studies. (Insert eye roll). So now apparently its ok to be totally inexperienced if I have been schooled. NOTE: I said schooled, not educated.  I have met many with schooling and a far less number who have been educated.

This idea is preposterous. How can I be anymore qualified in a legal setting with more knowledge coming from textbooks? I feel like what I need is more real world experience.

despite this, I am sucking up the debt and going back to school. I have an appointment next Monday to speak with someone at a local university. It will be a strange thing going back to school. I have never really been just a student, and now, I will have that luxury.

All in all, I am excited to be going back. I have missed classes and coursework. I know, I know, I will be regretting this statement 2.5 seconds in, but I do miss it. I miss the discussion, the atmosphere and the learning process. I miss the books and the library – go figure. I have been to this library before, and it is an amazing library.

Hmm, this might not be such a bad deal after all…..

Happy Graduation ~ Here’s a fuel pump

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adult, adulthood, auto, auto repair, automobiles, bills, car, card, commencement, daughter, finances, friends, fuel pump, graduation, life, maintenance, Mom, paying, repair, responsibility, school, shower, wedding, wedding shower

Well, I finally did it. Mission accomplished. I am now a genuine, certified paralegal. WHOO HOOO!!!

Commencement was long and on the boring side. I did get to get talk with my mentors after and got pictures – that was worth going. That weekend my best friend got to come down. It was amazing to see her.  She is one of my all time favorite people. Funny, smart, and very real – she is a real woman. 

Mom was very supportive. She bought me a lovely card. I swear she only buys the ones that make her cry, so she knows I will too. She aims for the tears. That’s ok; I’ll pay her back when she isn’t looking. I will slide one under her pillow that will make her sob. I’m such a loving daughter.  She also slipped in some much appreciated money. Bless her soul.

So, Marchae and I head out to a wedding shower. It was ok. It made me realize that I never, ever, want to have one of those. I don’t care if it is tradition. It’s a waste. Unless it’s a young couple starting out with nothing, you are only bound to get repeats of the things you have. This woman had a massive amount of gifts. I won’t lie, I was a little uncomfortable.  All I could think of was all the good things that money could have done had it been donated to charity. To each their own.

On the way home I stopped for gas. When I went to restart the car, it was all crank but no start. I wound up having to have it towed. When the mechanics finally took a look at it, they determined it needed a fuel pump. Fantastic!  Only 573 dollars to fix it.  It’s a good thing I graduated. Happy graduation, here’s a fuel pump.  For your years of dedication, all those late nights, tears, uncertainty, mid terms and finals – all that work – here’s a fuel pump.  All I can say is: “God, your sense of humor is amazing.”  Comedians are out of work, and He is cracking jokes.

I guess that is one of those life lessons I am supposed to learn. Dedicate your time, and yourself, all to have the great reward of paying your bills.  Ahh, the stagnant smell of adulthood! And here I just thought the trash needed to go out. Who knew?

The Beginning of the End

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breeze, car, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, driving, graduation, life, plan, random, school, stress, sunroof, thoughts, toxins, weekends, wind, windows

Well ladies and gentlemen, it’s official, we are in the homestretch. I had my first final tonight. The first of the last of them. It’s so unreal. It hit me a little bit today when I was polishing my resume and I took out anticipated graduation date and put graduation date.  I will be so glad to put this part of my life behind me. I tote it all up and put it away. I can get a new flash drive that will only have current projects on it and nothing school related.

I look forward to weekends spent walking in the park and, you I can’t even finish that sentence. I don’t know what else. I haven’t lived that kind of life in so long I don’t really remember what comes after the and. Not to worry though, I will figure it out.

For tonight I will just plan. Plan on what to do with all the space I will have once the notebooks and binders and school paraphernalia is gone. Odds are, I will do nothing with it and just enjoy the empty shelf space. There is no reason to add more, I will only have to take it down when I move.

Last night coming home from school, I tried to think about what life will be like post exams. It was an amazing night. It was pretty windy, and on my way home, I had all the windows down and the sunroof open. I wanted to clear my head out. I let the wind roll through the car. It was amazing. To feel the wind on my skin and blow through my hair, was liberating. I just kept taking deep breaths, wanting to get as much fresh air in me as I could. I wanted to blow out all the stress and toxins that have come with this journey.

Did it work? Yeah, a little. I guess you can’t blow out four years in one night.

The Road Doesn’t Have to Be Traveled Alone

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alone, blessed, blind, commencement, contemplation, dark, darkness, dedication, finals, graduation, influence, integrity, life, loneliness, love, lucky, man, men, objectivity, people, porch, random, sacrifice, school, stress, support, thoughts, woman, women

I come to you tonight from my perch on the porch.  It is so nice out. It’s is just a little cool and a little wet. It is just enough to need a blanket and have a damp derriere. I will admit, I have had a bit of a reality check this semester. When I started school I was focused and determined to make my own roads. I expected to work hard, get As and to graduate. I wasn’t looking to make friends, join clubs, or in general, be a social butterfly.

Along the way I met great people, people who helped me in ways I never expected. For that I am utterly grateful. It’s so easy to imagine yourself alone on the road of life. Even when you know fair and well you have supporters, it’s easy to slip into a darker area where you can’t see them and you feel very much alone in your tasks and goals.

I know for me, that that is true. Now I am not saying that I didn’t know I had people who were in my corner, I knew that. When the daily grind of life gets you down though, the monotony of stress can make you blind. It’s so easy not to be able to see the forest for the trees, or the commencement through the finals.

I know that I am very blessed. On my path I have had many people inspire me and influence me. People who taught me about the ways to do things, and sometimes more importantly, the ways not to do things. I am lucky to have had women to look to who have done it all – in high heels- and shown me not just what it means to be successful but to be a successful woman. I am also lucky enough to have had men in my life who have taught me about dedication, integrity, objectivity and sacrifice.

What more could I have ever asked for?

When School Leaves You With More Than an Education.

Tags

assignment, blessed, blessing, brother, Dad, death, emotions, estate planning, family, friends, God, heaven, life, Mom, questions, school, thoughts, will

I will be honest; tonight I am not sure what to say. I feel like there are no words in me. That is not a feeling I generally come across on a day to day basis. This day seems to be an exception. The only thing that seems to be on my mind is school.

I have an assignment that I have to do.  I have to write my own will. I really do like estate planning. I just never assumed I would be planning my own quite so…soon. I think the part that I hate the most is that it is so impersonal. Facts, figures, it says nothing of what I would really want to say to those I have left behind. It won’t explain why I want my best friend to have my favorite ring, or why I want to leave money to my estranged brother. That is the hard thing for me.

The worst part about it is all that has to be done, all that is left behind. I have decided that I will have an attorney be my executor. I can’t saddle a family member with that.  I know from experience that dealing with grief is hard enough, but to have to deal with assets and taxes and all that too, it’s just not fair. I love my family more than that, and that is what attorneys get paid to do. It’s a win-win situation.

I remember when Dad died, it seemed like the paperwork was never ending. Mom and I struggled enough with the fact that he was gone, let alone making sure his accounts and taxes were in order.

Death is a deeply emotional issue. I am not afraid of it, just the opposite. I think for me it will be like a big homecoming. Dad and my grandparents will be there. Finally I will get to ask God a few questions that I have always wondered about. Things like, why did my dad have to be abused only to then turn around and do the same things to us? I would ask why war is necessary. I would ask why is it that children wind up dying as a result of adult actions. I would ask why parents have to suffer over missing children and never being able to see them again and not be able to have the chance to have closure.

I would ask why He granted some folks with common sense, but then left others without. I would ask why he let people who were drunk out of their mind, drive. I would ask why helpless elderly people in nursing homes have to suffer abuse.

Before I asked a single question though, I would thank Him. I would thank Him for all the wonderful things that I had experienced in my life. I would say thank you for giving my parents. My father who taught me what it meant to be a good friend, and my mom who taught me unconditional love. I would thank Him for giving me friends in my life who accepted me for me, who knew my faults and loved me in spite of them.

I would thank Him for letting me experience all the emotions that life has to offer, and for letting me live my life to the fullest. I would thank Him for holding me up when I didn’t have the strength to carry on. I would thank Him for taking the weight of worry off my shoulders, and for not leaving me confused. I would thank him for being my rock, and my ultimate confidant.

I would thank Him for allowing me to see the beauty in life. I would say thank you for allowing me to be able to appreciate the little things in life. From walking barefoot in the grass to seeing my family and friends smile, I have learned it is the little things in life that make the big bad moments bearable.

Mostly I would thank Him for loving me, listening to me, and answering my prayers. I have been truly blessed to have soo many prayers answered. I feel like in the normal course of my day I have prayers continuously answered. For that, I am eternally grateful.