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My take on my life

Tag Archives: thoughts

One foot in front of the other

13 Sunday Jun 2010

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, life, school

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choices, Contemplative thoughts, decisions, lenders, life, mango, mangoes, ripple, school, think, thoughts, university

One foot in front of the other. That is what I have to do. I swear sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off. Life would be so much easier. In my head, I have been around the world 42 times in the last hour, but taking actual physical steps, well, that amount is smaller.

I can over-analyze what could happen to death. My brain can imagine the worst scenarios out of anything. That’s great if you are a chess player with all the time in the world. Life is not chess, and I need to just walk.

Where am I going? Forward. I know that much, and now, that is all that counts. I know I have to go forward. I was accepted to the university that I want to go to and now I have to start that part of my life. The next step is finding lender and talking with the financial aid people.

Finding a lender – I wont lie, feels overwhelming. I mean this is a financial institution that will be with me for a long long time, and I need to pick the right one.  Too bad there isnt an arrow over the top of one of them saying “Pick me, I am the right one for you”. That would be awesome in multiple areas of life actually! I could pick a better mango that way…

On the other hand, that would take away a sense of personal choice, and I like my ability to choose. I don’t think I would like who I am if I stopped thinking altogether.  Edgy neuroticsm is a part of who I am. What would I do without that nagging question in the back of my mind? I think its part of what keeps me human, and making the best choices for me. Seeing how one step effects another is how I make my decisions. I think via the ripple effect. To take that away, would take a vital part of who I am.  So, yeah, no arrows for me thanks. Lenders and mangoes will just have to continue to be a part of the decisions in my life.

A Slice of Vulnerable

14 Thursday Jan 2010

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, life

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Contemplative thoughts, emotions, feelings, heart, honest, honesty, humanity, life, remember, soul, spirit, thoughts, touch, vulnerable

Well, I had a blog prepared, but as I sit down tonight to write, I find that my heart is just not into that topic. Actually, I don’t know exactly where my heart is tonight, but it feels like it is in a rather raw place. I am not sure where this entry will go, but I have a feeling it will be to a very honest and in-the-moment place.

I havent felt like me the last few days. I feel like I am going through the motions, but I feel like that if people were to look at me – really look at me, they would see I don’t give a rat’s butt. I am trying. I feel like it is just taking me longer to get there.

I feel exhausted even though sleep has not been elusive for two nights now. Tonight when I came in from work, I was spent. All I wanted was to come home and hear someone say that everything is going to be ok, to just crash and burn into everything that is familiar. Did that happen? Not so much.

I just need to get through the week. Tomorrow is Thursday, after that its Friday and the end. Then I will have Saturday alone. Precious solitude.

I know I am strong, but I am not strong everyday. Ha, not hardly. I just have to remember there are times I have been weaker than this, and if I can wade through that murky mire, then this is a piece of cake.

Right now I am feeling on the vulnerable side and I want to hold a sign that says “Fragile soul, handle with care.” If I could have one thing in this world in this minute, it would be a hug. The human touch is such a simple and powerful thing. A hug, a touch on the face, a hand on the shoulder, all of those things are simple, but when done with sincerity they represent the best of what humanity has to offer.  A genuine touch is warm, caring, empathetic, and has the ability to allow one person to, without words, bond with another on the most basic and intimate level.

Tonight, I just want to be touched.

Personal Demons

17 Friday Jul 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, life

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Angel, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, demon, demons, life, personal, Sarah Maclachlan, thoughts, time

Everyone has their own demons. I have yet to meet a person who doesn’t. No matter how put together someone is, with the right words, they can lose it at the drop of a hat. They haunt us, never really going away, only lurking to come out at the worst possible time.

I have been lucky I have banished most of my demons. Either with time or a lot of realization they have moved on. Only one still lingers and it is by far the hardest one. I feel like this last one is a hybrid of a couple that I used to have, and they just morhped into this dark beast that has no remorse at cutting my heart out.

Time heals a lot of wounds. It puts distance in between you and the horrific events that have altered your life. The demons though, at least some of them, aren’t fazed by time. They grow steadily accumulating any little detail of your life necessary to their growth, until before you know it that nagging voice has become a beast you aren’t sure you can control.

This song reminds me of the demons that haunt and even in the darkest of those times that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that there is comfort still left in the world.

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there’s always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh a beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe
in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Coffeeshop Bloggin’

24 Wednesday Jun 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, Faith & Spirituality, life

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Tags

bad day, bad days, blog, choice, choose, coffee, coffeeshop, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, cry, dark, darkness, depress, depressed, depression, drive, emotions, experience, experiences, faith, family, feelings, healing, hurt, insomnia, life, light, love, pray, prayer, reality, road, shower, sunshine, thoughts, tomorrow, weep, writing

That’s right ladies and gents; today I am blogging from a favorite coffee shop. This was a total need to leave the house day. It is hotter than a hootie hoo out, but I knew that that could not stop me. I needed to feel the sunshine on my skin.

I hopped in the shower. There was no way I could go out as is. It was super lovely. The body wash scent is growing on me. I don’t think I will buy it again next time, but I still enjoy it. I used some awesome smelling shampoo that brings out the waves in the hair. I knew that there was no way I was spending a ton of time under a hot hair dryer.

The shower was what I needed and after a good lunch, I donned a cute skirt -it’s way too hot for shorts- a tank top with flip flops and put the sunglasses on and headed out. I was right, the sun felt awesome. I rummaged in my handbag until I found my sunscreen and after liberally applying it headed off. I hopped on the highway and put all the windows down and let the sunroof open. I could feel the warm wind and I inhaled the scent of a city summer.  You know the smell, that intoxicating blend of heat, trees, flowers, and asphalt.

Now I am here in the coffee shop, and I do have some legitimate work to do. I wanted first though to write about at least one thought that is going through my mind. Despite my lack of published entries I have been very contemplative lately. I just haven’t published because I can’t yet seem to separate me enough from them to put them into font. For now, I need to hold on to them. I don’t know why. It’s not that I want them per se, but maybe in a small way I fear what will take their place once they are gone.

For now, I will talk about a little bit of what I have been experiencing. I am very reluctant to admit it.  I think by letting go of it sooner, I would have to acknowledge its existence and I was not ready to deal with it. I have since a few days after graduation, been depressed. There it is. I said it. I have been depressed. Wow. I admitted it. There is that word, black and white right there for all to see on the internet.

Depression is an ugly beast. I have been under fogs before, but they were never like this. This is unreal. I have had periods of time spent in the chair in the living room just staring. For hours I would sit, just this way, staring. No motivation, nothing. I hated it, but I could not be motivated to do anything about it.

I wasn’t all like, I want my life to end. I just didn’t know how to begin it I think. For the first time in forever I was faced with a reality of not having a job or school. For the last four years, I have held down both. Now, I have nothing holding me down.

My father was once out of work. His term lasted for three years. I was sunk into depression after three days. Someday it lingers, I won’t lie. I find I still can’t sleep at night. The insomnia the last few days has been monstrous. I lay there, my mind going a million miles a minute. I try to focus and pray and I can, but not for long. I find that sometimes my faith has a hard time holding my focus when it gets really bad.

The good news is – the bad days are fewer. When they are here they don’t linger as long. I am not as incapacitated by the blanket of grey that can ensconce my mind.

I was really hesitant to talk about this. It’s not an easy topic, to either admit, let alone write about and the post for the whole world to see. However, when I started writing, I wanted this blog to reflect me and my take on my life and this world. My life is not all lilies, body wash, and bad drivers.

My life is real. It’s me, it is my thoughts and feelings and experiences. Right now my thoughts are not always positive. Nine times out of ten I can be confident in knowing who I am, and what I feel. Only I can know me. Today is day ten. Today I am not confident. Today I am learning.  Confidence whether real or fleeting is one of the most empowering feelings a human can own. It is however, I find, sometimes difficult to maintain, and some days you just have to fake it until you make it.

On day ten I count the things I have. I think of those who love me. I think of those who have sacrificed for me. I think of those who see me and success as a complete picture. Then I thank God that I have those people. Those are the people who will help hold my hand out of this. Those are the people that will inspire me to realize that I am more than my insecurities – whether real or ballooned out of proportion – by the thoughts in my head.

I love those people. They mean more to me than all of the confident days I have. Even if I can’t look at them and say, I am struggling or I am suffering,  I know that I can and I know that they will be there to listen me.  I am so lucky to have a small army of people behind me to believe in me, even when I have forgotten how to believe in myself.

I know that I may go to bed tonight and I may lay there for hours. I will pray. I may cry. I may weep for those that I love and I who I am helpless to do anything for them. I may weep because I feel the unknown that lies in front of me. In all of the pain and tears there is one thing that I can rest assured in. Tomorrow will come. The sun will stream through my window and a new day will dawn. In that first few minutes of my awakening, I will have a road in front of me.  I will pray as I do every morning, and I will make a choice. I will choose to take the path that leads to well-being. While that path may lead me down a dark alley or two, I know that it is only a matter of time before I walk into the light again.

Where does the love go?

18 Monday May 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, Front Porch Bloggin, life

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

anger, cards, cleaning, clutter, commitment, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, emotions, ex, feelings, front porch, honest, letters, live, love, love letter, love letters, personal, relationship, relationships, sadness, thoughts, vulnerable

That is the question that is on my mind tonight as I sit here on my front porch. Where does the love go? In this blog I have tried to put down some of my innermost thoughts. My most honest, real to the soul, innermost thoughts. This post I am sure will be no exception. This weekend I have been clearing my clutter out. I am graduating in 4 days and I have been systematically boxing everything up. I have also been going through other things.

I have boxes of books and an entire desk in the basement of things to go through. I went through most of it. Then I hit the lower left hand drawer. Folders and folders of school things. I could pitch most of it, thankfully. Then I hit the back of the drawer. The mother lode.

The mother lode of baggage, if you will. In the back of the drawer held a cache of letters and cards from my ex. I had utterly forgotten about it even being there. I would be lying if I said it didn’t effect me. It does not anger me. For a long time most everything surrounding that did. However, I got over my ex a long time ago. Mainly I just realized that it wasn’t worth the spent anger.  Tonight though I think I am just confused.

I could not help but to open some of the letters and read them. It was like a timeline of the relationship. Starting out as friends and then you could see the relationship growing. I think what has me confused is how do you go from ” You’re all I need” to “I need you to not be around”? How does that happen in a relationship? I didn’t understand it then and I have to admit four years later I am still nowhere close to figuring that out. Don’t get me wrong. I am not hankering for my ex. I DO NOT miss the relationship, and I have less than zero desire to have it back. I am so much better off now, it’s not even funny.

Reading these old letters  has me pondering: how you can spend so long growing and nurturing a relationship to only have it bust? How does a person go from claiming such a strong love to passionately believing the opposite? How does a person change their feelings about someone that they supposedly care about so deeply; someone who saw them through such awfulness, and the nightmares of their life. I can’t lie, the letters don’t make me upset as in angry, but they sicken me. They make me nauseous. The realization of how vulnerable I allowed myself to be, makes me queasy. It makes me want to plant my feet firmly on the ground and close up shop, never to feel that hurt again. This is such a  hard thing for me to say, but in this moment right now it is my honest and truest feelings.

For so long, I have been focused on planting only the roots that would allow me to grow the wings to let me fly.  These roots – these feelings  – are not the same kind of root. These are the kind of roots that are an emotional anchor.  Right now my life is about going places and making my life worth something. To be helpful to others, and to do what is meant for me to do.  Having these roots anchor me, will sink me fast. I know that.  They brought back a lot of pain, the kind of pain that hurts your heart, and for a few seconds takes your breath away.

God, why did I save these things? I remember going through the discussion with friends, should I keep them or toss them? Many folks said keep them. One woman in fact said I should keep them because “I never knew if I would ever find a love like that again, and I should have something to remember it by”.  In hindsight I should have said you are right, I will find better and I can start now by dumping these.  The thing is when I look at this pile, I don’t remember the love. I have forgotten that part. I suppose that is a blessing, otherwise it would hurt more.

The bright side to all of this, is that I will hopefully feel better about it in the morning. I will realize that the emotions I spent here wasn’t worth it, and that this bit of realization was just a bump in the road. The dark side will getting through tonight, and lamenting the fact that I am not allowed to burn inside the city limits.

On Being Female

16 Saturday May 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in life

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

accessories, blouse, clothes, comfortable, confidence, emotions, event, female, jewelry, men, pants, shirt, shoes, skirt, thoughts, woman

Being a woman is fantastic! No really, I am serious. I love being a woman. Ok, so I don’t love the fact we still get paid less than  men, and I don’t love our hormones, and I don’t love the general stereotypes of women.  Nine days out of 10 though I am happy to be female. We have more opportunities than we ever have had to succeed. We, in some ways, are freer than men. We are allowed to express our emotions more. We can be crazy, passionate, tender, scornful, protective and loving – some of us can do all that within a matter of minutes.

I love being a woman until it’s time to go somewhere. Then one has to ask herself, what I am going to wear? Just thinking that thought is enough to illicit a groan of dismay. For some women its such a big deal that they have devoted entire TV programs to what not to wear. I never know what to wear, and it seems like I never have the kind of clothes I need for an occasion. Work, sure. School? I’m covered (no pun intended – unless you laughed, then it was totally intended). It’s all those other in between events that I am unsure, you know like real life. Being so absorbed in school and work the last few years, I never had time to really consider my clothes. I had clothes for what I needed. Work, school, and the occasional trip to the symphony. If I were to go out to dinner, it was a puzzle. Thankfully we live in a jeans friendly society. Otherwise, I would be screwed.

Tonight I have plans to go to see a show. I have no idea of what I am going to wear. The thought of it makes me a bit queasy. I need to look nice, but I still want to be comfortable. Who knows what the weather is going to do, this is St. Louis after all. I have seen us go from 70 to tornado to blizzard conditions in one day.

In this regard, I envy men. Men have it a 1,000 times easier. Shower shave (optional) and pants and a shirt. Done. If they want to dress up hand ’em a jacket and a tie.  Women however are held to another standard. We too, have to shower, shave (NOT optional), then determine the dressiness/casualness of the event, put together an “outfit”. This could consist of a blouse and pants, blouse and skirt, a dress, or jeans and casual top, or a more casual skirt and top. Then there is the question of the shoe. This is not just a matter of matching the shoe to the outfit. We must also consider the comfortableness of the shoe in relation to how much we will be walking, sitting, and standing.

Once that is complete then jewelry must be determined, and hair and makeup done. And men wonder why it takes us so long to get ready? As far as it goes, I am in general a low maintenance sort of gal in all this. Generally I follow a basic pattern when it comes to getting ready. Basic pants or jeans or skirt and a basic sort of coordinating top. All solids and generally all neutrals. I then add a jacket, a scarf, or an intricate piece of jewelry. I keep it all basic and let the accessories speak for themselves.  If its a casual sort of thing, for shoes, I love boots. They are more comfortable than heels and more polished than a sneaker.

So what is the solution in all of this? I have no clue. Some say well let’s just relax the attire and make it all casual. I don’t think that is a good solution. I think that despite all the headache, there is something wonderful in getting dressed up and taking the time to put on the accessories. I think we all feel better when we know we look our best, so why do we want to dumb down the standards? To be more convenient? Sure it’s easier, but I think we would miss something important – our pride and self respect. No matter what you wear, you still have to put on pants, so why not make them a nicer pair of jeans, and we all have to put on a shirt, so why not make it something a little more special?  Once you are done, you will feel better about how you look than if you had put on that ratty sweatshirt and old pair of jeans. You will feel better about you, and more confident. And ladies, you tell me, what is sexier than a confident woman?

On Writing

15 Friday May 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, Front Porch Bloggin, life

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

blog, character, characters, creative, front porch, insomnia, iPod, Josh Groban, life, midnight, novel, story, thoughts, woman, writing

It really wasn’t my intention to write a blog tonight. I guess its one of those things in life that just happen. I went out to my car and to get my iPod, and as soon as my bare foot hit the porch and I felt the cool breeze on my arms I was hooked. I had gone out to the car to get my iPod because I find that putting it in before bed can sometimes help me sleep. A little Josh Groban can go a long way on the right night.

I figured tonight would be an insomnia night when I was just a little too wired at midnight. I tried working on my story, and I actually made a little headway. I swear this story is the bane of my creative existence. I can blog all day and night, but this story has taken me more years than I care to admit.

When it started out it was going to be told through the viewpoint of a young woman, and now I find I am more connected to the character of her middle aged landlord. I have never had the best vision for the young woman character. The first seven pages of the book I didn’t even have a name for her, and I cannot even begin to tell you how many names I have gone through for her. Nothing just seemed right. Looking back I guess it’s because I was never really meant to tell her story. I was meant to tell Bella’s. 

I think I may even weed out the young woman character all together. Maybe it Bella’s story as a young woman that I am meant to tell, I hope so. I have always liked Bella. Strong, sassy, independent and loving, she has such warmth about her.  She is to me, a real woman. When I picture her I see a freed spirit. I say freed because she was not always free. She cares for humanity, but keeps her cards close to her. Those who are close she loves fiercely. She has known loss and pain. She doesn’t dwell on those memories though.  She uses it to empathize with others. She will reach her hand out to help, but if she gets intentionally hurt, she remembers it forever.

For her, she has realized that the simplest things make her happy. The sunlight streaming in the kitchen window onto the wooden floors and the way the trees look in the fall showing off their autumnal colors. She takes pride in knowing while the day may not go her way; she tried to make it the best day she could.

Bella is a stunning character in my mind. I can almost feel her vibrancy when I think about her personality. She has a heart and mind that is open and hands willing to help. If I close my eyes I can almost hear her laughter. It would be like her, strong, colorful and resounding.

The Beginning of the End

14 Thursday May 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, life, school

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breeze, car, contemplation, Contemplative thoughts, driving, graduation, life, plan, random, school, stress, sunroof, thoughts, toxins, weekends, wind, windows

Well ladies and gentlemen, it’s official, we are in the homestretch. I had my first final tonight. The first of the last of them. It’s so unreal. It hit me a little bit today when I was polishing my resume and I took out anticipated graduation date and put graduation date.  I will be so glad to put this part of my life behind me. I tote it all up and put it away. I can get a new flash drive that will only have current projects on it and nothing school related.

I look forward to weekends spent walking in the park and, you I can’t even finish that sentence. I don’t know what else. I haven’t lived that kind of life in so long I don’t really remember what comes after the and. Not to worry though, I will figure it out.

For tonight I will just plan. Plan on what to do with all the space I will have once the notebooks and binders and school paraphernalia is gone. Odds are, I will do nothing with it and just enjoy the empty shelf space. There is no reason to add more, I will only have to take it down when I move.

Last night coming home from school, I tried to think about what life will be like post exams. It was an amazing night. It was pretty windy, and on my way home, I had all the windows down and the sunroof open. I wanted to clear my head out. I let the wind roll through the car. It was amazing. To feel the wind on my skin and blow through my hair, was liberating. I just kept taking deep breaths, wanting to get as much fresh air in me as I could. I wanted to blow out all the stress and toxins that have come with this journey.

Did it work? Yeah, a little. I guess you can’t blow out four years in one night.

The Road Doesn’t Have to Be Traveled Alone

09 Saturday May 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, Front Porch Bloggin, life, school

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alone, blessed, blind, commencement, contemplation, dark, darkness, dedication, finals, graduation, influence, integrity, life, loneliness, love, lucky, man, men, objectivity, people, porch, random, sacrifice, school, stress, support, thoughts, woman, women

I come to you tonight from my perch on the porch.  It is so nice out. It’s is just a little cool and a little wet. It is just enough to need a blanket and have a damp derriere. I will admit, I have had a bit of a reality check this semester. When I started school I was focused and determined to make my own roads. I expected to work hard, get As and to graduate. I wasn’t looking to make friends, join clubs, or in general, be a social butterfly.

Along the way I met great people, people who helped me in ways I never expected. For that I am utterly grateful. It’s so easy to imagine yourself alone on the road of life. Even when you know fair and well you have supporters, it’s easy to slip into a darker area where you can’t see them and you feel very much alone in your tasks and goals.

I know for me, that that is true. Now I am not saying that I didn’t know I had people who were in my corner, I knew that. When the daily grind of life gets you down though, the monotony of stress can make you blind. It’s so easy not to be able to see the forest for the trees, or the commencement through the finals.

I know that I am very blessed. On my path I have had many people inspire me and influence me. People who taught me about the ways to do things, and sometimes more importantly, the ways not to do things. I am lucky to have had women to look to who have done it all – in high heels- and shown me not just what it means to be successful but to be a successful woman. I am also lucky enough to have had men in my life who have taught me about dedication, integrity, objectivity and sacrifice.

What more could I have ever asked for?

Calm Before the Storm

05 Tuesday May 2009

Posted by Blog Administrator in Contemplative thoughts, Faith & Spirituality, life

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Tags

calm, contemplation, drive, faith, God, sky, storm, thoughts

Today during the drive to school, I had a realization. I am in the calm before the storm, both literally and figuratively. Outside the sky was turning a blue grey and you could feel the wind pick up. I had the sunroof open and the windows down. I just wanted the wind to blow. I wanted the cobwebs to get a good shake.

In another way, I am also having that “calm before the storm” feeling. Finals are looming, and while I am not worried about them, its the “what happens after finals” feeling that I have that worries me. What will happen after finals? This thought keeps interrupting my day. I keep trying to shake it, and give it back up to God. It seems though that that thought is like a boomerang and it keeps coming back no matter how much I toss it out. I dont want it, really. I just want to follow God’s path, I am just the co-pilot along for the ride. The frustrating part? He never gave me a map! At least He doesn’t seem to mind when I stop and ask for directions.

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